jeyelpedia

a question of identity

2012-02-22T08:59:00.001-08:00

linsanity is everywhere and i cant front like i havent gotten caught up in it too. heres the best article ive read about this jeremy lin and what the phenomenon really means.

A QUESTION OF IDENTITY

by jay caspian kang

Back in my blunted-out days in high school, I played in one of those coed softball leagues for which the sole purpose is to provide an outlet for parking lot drinking, revealing costumes, and the occasional feat of strength. My friends back then were mostly nerdy, shy kids who channeled their social frustration through the relatable yet thoroughly foreign avatars who populated our favorite hip-hop songs. In the softball league, our cultural tourism expressed itself through the names we stenciled on the backs of our jerseys. Our shortstop, a spindly, vaguely sexless kid who would go on to star in the aeronautics field, was U-God. Our first baseman, a thick, stoic dude who now works as a lawyer of some sort, was Chef Raekwon. Our right fielder had the lucky distinction of being Method Man. It was your typically stupid suburban scene — a bunch of white kids and the token Asian celebrating "ghetto" things in the most condescending manner possible. Always the diva, I gave myself several nicknames: the Mental Oriental, the Raging Asian, Chink-opotamus, Chinkletoes, and so on.

In a game against our nerdy doppelgangers in the senior class, I walked up to the plate. When a friend of mine saw that I had drawn the Wu-Tang "W" on the back of my jersey, he said, "If you ever tried to hang with the Wu, they'd murder your stupid Asian ass like the grocery store owner in Menace 2 Society." There was a hard edge in his voice that I, despite having grown up as an anomalous minority in the South, had never heard before. My white girlfriend and I were once chased out of an ice cream parlor by the owner, who called me "filthy." But that felt more like some thoroughly fucked version of housekeeping than anything personal. I got punched into the lockers on a daily basis in middle school, but everyone who played Magic cards got punched into the lockers, and I didn't read too heavily into the fact that some kids got punched a bit more than others. The logic of otherness never quite translates through adolescence, at least not in any clear way. Every ugly incident could be rationalized away, nothing had too much to do with my race. An instinctive yet comforting form of self-preservation locked itself in. After all, if you stepped into a classroom or a cafeteria and knew exactly what everyone was thinking, you'd probably never do much of anything again.

And yet, while you're never fully aware, you're never fully not aware, either. Like many of the Asian American kids of my generation stuck somewhere between white and black, I filled the vacant parts of my identity with basketball and hip-hop. It was misdirected and yawningly suburban, sure, but by the time I walked to the plate in that softball game, I had built up a glittering yet utterly fragile structure of black iconography, all of which stood in nicely for my reality as an Asian kid without many friends who spent almost all his time worrying about debate tournaments and all the pretty, unattainable girls on the fast track to sorority row. I suppose that's why my friend's comment finally cut through, why it still lingers today. He kicked dirt over two distinct fantasies and made me stare down two very hard truths. The first: My friends had, in fact, noticed that I wasn't white. The second: I could stalk Rasheed Wallace around Chapel Hill, memorize KRS-One lyrics, rock Timberland boots, and read Eldridge Cleaver and Cornel West without any critical distinction (all things I did in high school), but blackness would always be further away than whiteness and there was a wide gulf of bad history that ensured the distance.

These have been a revealing two weeks, not only for the Asian American community or the Ivy League basketball community or the talent evaluator committee, but also for watchdogs, handwringers, and pulpit-thumpers. Not since Barack Obama's presidential campaign has there been so much national discussion about the appropriateness of discussing race. The 2008 election set the groundwork for an aggressive sort of colorblindness — as long as you voted for Barack and/or can celebrate, say, Jackie Robinson, you now have the right to flag down anything that might shake us from our post-racial dream. Statements like "I see everybody equally, therefore everyone should just talk about him as a basketball player" and accusations of "playing the race card" have become even more ubiquitous. And although the former signals a nice sentiment, it also provides convenient cover for those of us who benefit most from the status quo, regardless of race. Yes, Jeremy Lin became Linsanity because he has been playing at a level that has recalibrated expectations of any obscure player. And yes, there's nothing more tiresome than a long-winded meditation on a basketball player, especially if he's clearly been hijacked to promote some other agenda. But to strip Jeremy Lin of his status as the Great Yellow Hope not only seems dishonest and lazy, it also deprives the community he represents — willfully or not — of the unabashed joy of seeing one of its own succeed in the most improbable arena.

During the first few games of Lin's run, it was mentioned early and often that he was the "first American-born player of Chinese or Taiwanese descent to play in the NBA." Once the story got knocked off its hinges, that tedious mouthful got spat out for a good, generic "underdog." National media outlets, present company included, have now strung his narrative along a more relatable, predictable path. In Act One, Jeremy faces down the doubters and all their doubts. In Act Two, he perseveres. In Act Three, perseverance pays off in the greatest city in the world. Along the way, he slays the Cyclops of Stereotypes and sails right on past the rock where the three Kardashian sirens sing their celebrity song.

This is not a bad story. But it is not the story of Jeremy Lin.

Of all the news that has come out about Lin's former life — and there hasn't been much — none excited me as much as a screenshot from his Xanga. In a series of captioned photos, a 15-year-old Lin wears a headband in the style of different NBA stars. It's a funny, endearing look into Lin's childhood and hints at a sense of humor that has mostly been absent from his media obligations. But none of the photos or the captions is as telling as the Xanga account's name: ChiNkBaLLa88.

If you stare at the word "ChiNkBaLLa88" for long enough, you begin to see, a bit more clearly, the reason why Linsanity has sparked such an intensity of emotion among Asian Americans. Within that strange, thoroughly American word contraption, a racial slur is fused — using the somewhat infuriating capitalization habits of teenagers in the mid-aughts — with a highly racialized, identifiably black swagger. I don't mean to be overly academic and certainly don't mean to imply that Jeremy Lin thought about any of this when he was 15 years old. But I do think something like "ChiNkBaLLa88" comes from a series of learned reactions. When I was 15, I must have come up with at least 200 different nicknames for myself. Each one involved a racial slur and a hip-hop reference. Within those tight strictures — maybe while listening to Reasonable Doubt — there's a decent chance I might have come up with ChinkBalla myself.

As my friend pointed out at that softball game, these contraptions only make sense within the narrowest and most personal of contexts — a largely identified kid trying on whatever feels right, a generation of immigrant children trying to orient themselves within a racially polarized landscape. But that's exactly why Jeremy Lin, while stirring up unknown depths of pride, has also heightened our collective sensitivity. The pride we feel over his accomplishments is deeply personal and cuts across discomforting truths that many of us have never discussed. It's why a headline that reads "Chink in the Armor," or Jason Whitlock's tweeted joke about "two inches of pain," stings with a new intensity. Try to understand, everything said about Jeremy Lin, whether glowing, dismissive, or bigoted, doubles as a referendum on where we, as a people, stand. This, by definition, is absurd. But when there's almost no other public representation of your people in the mainstream media, Hollywood, or in politics, you hawk, fervently, over whatever comes your way.

For the growing percentage of Asian Americans who would like to see their minority status as nothing more than a curiosity, "Chink in the Armor" spotlighted what we already knew, but seldom admit: Even the most vigilant parts of our society do not treat all racism the same way. There's no way for me, as an ESPN employee, to comment on what happened Saturday morning without compromising my integrity as a writer. I have no interest in shilling for ESPN and hope that readers will afford me the grace to not see any of this as an attempt to push an Asian American face out in front of this mess. Certainly, if that were the case, you'd never read another word with my byline on this site or on any other ESPN property.

What I can say is this: "Chink in the Armor" was completely unacceptable and made me seriously reconsider my continued employment with the company. I spent most of Saturday fielding calls, e-mails, and messages about "Chink in the Armor," and I share in the collective anger and exasperation. The response and the apologies seem largely beside the point — the damage was done at the point when we realized that Jeremy Lin had not single-handedly solved racism in America. But I've never seen the Asian American community speak out with such unified force and coherence. Perhaps it's a bit damning that four words about a basketball player sparked such outrage while a tragedy like the death of Private Danny Chen went largely unnoticed, but the fucked-up truth is that the story of Danny Chen might have received its proper respect had it come post-Linsanity.

In the past, I've been as guilty as anyone else of turning a blind eye to racist things people have said to me. For the most part, I have nodded along with the calculus that says that because "our people" have achieved and because we "didn't have it as bad as others," we should just shut up and point to the scoreboard of Ivy League admissions. Or whatever. But a career of deflections and rationalizations leaves a residue. Linsanity, and everything ugly that inevitably came with it, has given us cause to clear our throats and expunge what can sometimes feel like a lifetime of silence and compromise.

This much is clear: We still haven't figured out how to talk about Asian Americans. The term "model minority" has long since expired, for good reason, but the nerdy kid who, through hard work and natural intelligence, pulls himself into good standing still remains the dominant narrative. For the most part, that's how Jeremy Lin has been processed. He's described as humble and smart and a great kid who worked hard to overcome long odds. All these things might be true, but they simply mirror the quiet way in which we succeed in this country. In an earlier column, I said that it has become standard practice among high-achieving Asian Americans to dodge any questions about race. This impulse comes, I believe, out of guilt and a pervasive, irrational fear that if we talk too much about prejudice and act too indignant over insensitive comments, the powers that be will reverse the course of history and send us back to building railroads. As such, if Jeremy Lin simply went about his business, got his stats, and helped his teammates, his accomplishments would be celebrated, but they might not resonate as powerfully with his Asian American fans.

Instead, we have a 23-year-old kid who dunks, keeps the ball for himself in pressure situations, preens, chest bumps, and gets caught up in Kim Kardashian rumors. The public record of Jeremy Lin might show a modest kid who praises Jesus, but that's not how he conducts himself on the court. I'm not particularly proud of it, but over the past two weeks, I've exchanged countless e-mails with my Asian American friends about how the only way the Jeremy Lin story could possibly be better is if he talked like Nas and released a dis track on Tru Warier Records. All of us have shared stories, without a hint of modesty or shame, about getting choked up while watching Knicks games. Lin has reignited the possibility of ChiNkBaLLa88 and the Mental Oriental — a pluralistic, autonomous minority who, without apology, represents a life spent stuck between expectations.

Maybe it's not fair to Jeremy Lin, and it's certainly too much to heap onto a young man whose saga through the NBA has just reached its 10th game. But regardless of what the polite rules of our post-racial society might say about conflating athletes into symbols or talking too much about race, Jeremy Lin-as-symbol-for-his-people has already arrived.

"thats my mom in me / i love niggas i shouldnt"

2012-02-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

me and my homegirl were talking about my new years post.. more specifically the part about how our best traits can also be our worst ones. she asked me what i thought a womans best flaw was.. which got me thinking.

i know best flaw kind of seems like a weird concept but it reminded me of this khalil gibran quote, "Of the good in you I can speak, but not of the evil. For what is evil but good tortured by its own hunger and thirst? Verily when good is hungry it seeks food even in dark caves, and when it thirsts, it drinks even of dead waters. " (ill give you a sec to marinate on that, burn some incense and do a couple of finger snaps.)

i didnt have an answer right away, but the more i thought about it, i came to the conclusion that a womans best flaw is their ability to forgive. and im talking real forgiveness. see, guys dont have the emotional capacity to really let shit go. our definition of forgiveness falls under two categories: either forgive-and-forget or an-eye-for-an-eye type of forgiveness. women on other hand, will forgive you without forgetting and without expecting anything in return. im not saying its easy, im just saying the fact that women can forgive unconditionally at all is amazing to me.

i also consider it a flaw (at times) because women forgive.. even when we dont deserve it. i have a clearly defined line of what i expect out of others and if someone crosses it (no matter who you are) then its really hard for me to let it go. i feel like women are the same way; but when it comes to someone theyre in love with, its more like their lines are drawn in pencil and the boundaries are constantly erased and pushed further back to accomodate all our bullshit. kinda like how i see girls posting i said this the last time but this is the last time on twitter multiple times in the span of a few months. (dont front like you dont have a homegirl like that).

and as i write this, i cant help but think about chris brown and rihanna. what he did, at least to me, was on the short list of unforgiveable things. but apparently rihannas forgiven him and even asked him to hop on a remix (#truestory). i was initially hesitant to comment about it because what happened, happened to her and her alone, so shes entitled to do whatever she wants. if she can move past what chris brown did, i think that just speaks to the inner strength that women have that i was just talking about.

still, im disappointed, mostly because of all the young women that look up to her. i cant emphasize enough that what rihanna chooses to do in her personal life is no one elses business but her own, but coming out with a song with breezy sends the wrong message; unintentional or not. and i know its not fair, but thats the burden of celebrity. (she doesnt owe anyone an explanation, but she should at least acknowledge that much.)

they say that theres no love without forgiveness and no forgiveness without love. and while that may be true, i just hope that forgiveness doesnt lead her back to where she found love the last time.

p.s. one of the few videos that actually made me like the song. also on that list: otis, welcome to heartbreak, paranoi, every cassie video ever

s2ml v. 8

2012-02-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

the morning - the weeknd

night chain (hood internet remix) - wale x kavinsky

mouthful of diamonds - phantogram

i turn my camera on - spoon

crystalised - the xx

somebody that i used to know (bibio remix) - gotye

didnt i - jack penate

unaware - allen stone

another you - tony williams ft/ kanye

go outside (menahan street band remix) - cults

sunrise - childish gambino

all along - kid cudi

*bonus: wilhelm scream (cover) - the bamboos

if volume 7 was all the tracks i couldnt wait to share, volume 8 is all the tracks that i personally like to listen to. i probably have 7 different versions of this mix, but when it came down to it, i wanted to make a mix of the songs that i couldnt stop listening to. the songs that i didnt care if anyone else liked. im still working on reuploading all the mixes (stupid filesonic), but i reupped vol 5-7, since this one is the last in this set. click on the links on the right to dl.

repost: me, i havent changed much/ you know how i play it

2012-02-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

its fucked up, but truth is, when youre in a relationship, one of the first things that gets neglected is your relationship with your homegirls. boys night out at the club? yeah, sure no problem. lunch with your homegirl from back in the day? fam, are you crazy?!

so those friendships get put aside. i know it happens and im guilty of it too, but im not proud of it. so ive definitely been trying to reconnect with all my homegirls recently. thing is, like ive said before, theyre all fuckin hot. and being single and surrounding yourself with hot girl_friends is the worst thing you could possibly do.

and this isnt about being friendzoned or wanting what you cant have. its about seeing things from a new perspective.

its about the way you see guy after guy get shot down when youre at the bar with them. you know, how they quickly grab your arm and say, " this is my man" and smile. and when the guy walks away, the smile quickly disappears and they hit you with the look like wtf was he thinking? and everyone gets shot down, but seeing that look would make any guy think twice about approaching a girl next time.

or how they show you how this dude texted them " heyyyyyyy =)" and both of you proceed to clown his ass for one too many y's. and the smiley face. yeah its funny.. till you realize that you texted a girl something like that before too. and how you thought about whether to put the smiley face or include a few exclamation points or if you should text her at all.. but you never thought about how shes probably going to show her friends. and point and laugh. (i gotta admit, it was still pretty funny though).

and all of these guys seem like cool, normal folks. its not like theyre coming at them in a disrespectful way or even being overly aggressive. if anything, i give them props for putting themselves out there. but me? ever since i started hanging out with my homegirls, i noticed ive become a lot more hesitant. call me naive, but being shown a small part of the other side, made me realize.. damn they're just as bad as us.

less than 3

2012-02-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

happy valentines day!

top 10 hottest mcs

2012-02-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

mtv's about to come out with their annual top 10 hottest mcs list. before it drops and i get angry heres my top 10:

1-2. the throne

its gotta be right? i mean hov and 'ye murdered it this year. video of the year. album of the year. single of the year. tour of the year. shitttttt. hov dropped a song about his new baby that was hotter than most rappers singles. 'ye twitter rants are more interesting than most rappers albums. who else you see pulling off a song called niggas in paris on the victorias secret runway? sophisticated ignorance bitches!

3. drake

so i was looking for some new vinyl at amoeba and this guy was hovering around the C-D section. i was patiently waiting for him to leave so i could cop the camp album. dude was taking forever so i walked down the aisle. from the corner of my eye, i saw him look around, grab the take care album, put it under his arm face down, and sneak away like he was holding some weird asian tentacle porn dvd.

and that pretty much sums up drizzy. theres several reasons not to like him. and theyve been stated so many times i dont feel like restating him. but fact is, dude makes hits. marvins room was the most remixed track last year. and you know what? they were all terrible. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing that drakes the only one that could pull off a track like that.

4. rick ross

ROZAY! maybach might be my favorite group. yeah i said it. over the g.o.o.d. music crew, over young money, over OFWGKTA. meek mill & wale hold it down, with the weak link omilio sparks-type dude being stalley. i woulda put ross higher but he fucked around and had a heart attack or some shit and delayed god forgives, i dont. but when it does drop im expecting him to be at least #2 next year.

5. j. cole

probably shouldnt be this high, but what can i say? im invested in dudes career cause ive been listening to him since the beginning. i even caught him at a show before he got signed to the roc, and i just knew he had something special. admittedly, the album didnt live up to my ridiculous expectations, but its still one of the top releases of the year. plus hes dropping a vid for nobodys perfect aka my motherfuckin jam.

6-10. in some order that i dont care about:

wiz khalifa, wayne, female wayne, kendrick lamar, waka.

BONUS!

underrated: childish gambino, lloyd banks

overrated: french montana, 2 chainz

still undecided: a$ap rocky

mc that i realized was garbage this year: common

biggest disappointment: goblin
album i want to like but cant get into: undun
fell off, where the fuck you at: t.i., eminem, detox, 50 cent

favorite song of the year: otis
real favorite song of the year: no hands

worst song of the year: anything featuring bruno mars

best album cover: watch the throne i guess

worst album cover: take care

it just takes time

2012-02-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Future Islands - Balance

the album 10 dollars, u act like its 10 G's/ this food for thought cost the same as 2 number 3s

2012-01-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

theres been a lot of talk about SOPA and PIPA so i just wanted to share this article that i thought put everything in perspective. it also touches on music in general and how the way we consume it influences its quality.

SOPA AND HIP HOP'S ESCALATING CUSTODY BATTLE
by sam rosen

The response to Washington’s Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and Protect IP Act (PIPA) was so swift and powerful that it can really only be called a protest in the same way that a first-round Mike Tyson knockout can be considered a fight. In a flash, Google got seven million signatures, Wikipedia staged a self-imposed blackout and countless other sites, including our small operation, followed suit. People crammed the streets in New York, San Francisco, Seattle, and D.C., and many members of Congress quietly backed off. In only a few days, the web browsers of America had crushed two quickly rising pieces of legislation. Feel free to tamper with our civil liberties, but never, ever fuck with our internet.

SOPA, certainly, should have been stopped. In its current form, the bill is ambiguously worded and has the potential, if passed, to shut down any site whose users display or host pirated content. Sites like the Huffington Post and Grantland could conceivably be taken down for using copyrighted images and videos despite the fact that the pieces on those sites are original works. Most everyone involved in the SOPA debate agrees that online piracy needs to be curbed, but the extreme backlash to the bill is evidence that it needs to be done more responsibly.

The ultimately successful week, however, was shrouded by a dangerous attitude of helplessness and detachment. Many protestors were quick to frame this debate as a case of greedy entertainment moguls restricting the freedoms of the average American. What was largely missing, though, was any serious talk of the individual’s role in this important debate.

Inherent in the act of protest is the acknowledgment, to some degree, of powerlessness. People protest in the hopes that more powerful people will see the dissent and change their minds.. What makes last week’s protest and blackouts so strange, then, is that the ones with the most power are the ones doing the protesting. If we want lawmakers to leave the internet alone, all we really have to do is stop using it to steal art. SOPA exists because stealing music has become so easy that it doesn’t even feel illegal anymore.

This argument, however, usually comes off as preachy and offers no real reason—especially in the wake of last week’s congressional ceasefire—to stop stealing music online. It’s so exciting and wonderful to have any song just a few clicks away that we’ve come up with all sorts of rationalizations for our habit. “Jay-Z doesn’t need my ten dollars.” “There are so many other ways for rappers to make money now.” All of this may be true, but if we continue to not pay for our hip hop, we may do irreversible damage to the music we love.

Let’s say I love Chipotle. I blog about Chipotle. I talk about Chipotle with my friends constantly. But every time I want to eat Chipotle, I type “chicken burrito Chipotle mediafire” into Google and five minutes later there’s lunch on my desk. All of my friends do the same. We all constantly profess our loyalty to Chipotle, yet none of us have actually been inside one of their restaurants in years. If most people acted like we did, one of two things would happen: either Chipotle would shut down completely, or it would have to change its menu to cater to people who are actually willing to pay for the food.

This analogy may seems so obvious that it borders on condescending, but hip hop has been slowly changing its menu for some time now, and its most ardent supporters have refused to acknowledge that we have anything to do with it. When Lupe Fiasco released Lasers this past March, he did so with outspoken frustration and reluctance. Atlantic Records, he claimed, had stifled his creative process in an attempt to make the album as commercially viable as possible. In some interviews, Lupe seemed to not care much for the album at all. When Lasers was finally released, it was generally panned by critics and dismissed by most serious fans as a large disappointment considering Lupe’s prodigious talent. But Lasers was the fifth best selling rap release of 2011. Lupe was outsold only by megastars like Drake and Lil Wayne. If Atlantic had been counting on fans of Food and Liquor and The Cool to buy records, Lasers wouldn’t have come out the way it did. Hip hop is finding other places to get its money, and the music is beginning to reflect that search. Eminem has a hit with Bruno Mars. Funkmaster Flex and Hot 97 consistently spin playlists that are dominated by techno. Lil Wayne’s biggest post-Rikers single sounds like it was written by John Mayer. Yes, hip hop may be evolving on its own, but an excess of heartthrob collaborators and a deluge of techno can be partially attributed to dollars and cents. With many hip hop fans unwilling to pay for music, artists have turned to pop stars and nightclubs to keep them thriving commercially.

For the kind of people who read (and write for) the Club, hip hop is not something you pay for—it’s what helps you choose how to spend your money. We drop hundreds for some Beats by Dre, and then download The Chronic for free. It seems reasonable to cough up thirty dollars for a plan white tee with the word “Supreme” at the corner, but almost unthinkable to spend a third as much on Goblin. We fail to see the irony of sipping Ciroc while we listen to a pirated copy of Ready to Die. Over the years I’ve been as guilty of this as anyone—I’ve bought more Wu-Tang posters than Wu-Tang albums.

Without the music, though, the other elements of the culture can’t exist. Our financial neglect of rap music today could be sowing the seeds for the cultural erosion of tomorrow.

These changes, of course, are not solely the product of longstanding fans’ reluctance to pay for music. Almost every rapper not named Kanye, Jay-Z, or Eminem has put out a free mixtape in recent years, reinforcing the idea that we shouldn’t have to pay for our hip hop, and the genre’s growing popularity has accelerated its fusion with pop, techno, and rock. And all of this free music hasn’t been an entirely negative thing. The continuous, effortless exchange of new artists and sounds has given us a genre that is more wide-ranging, democratic, and innovative than ever before. But we need to stop pretending that stealing all of this music doesn’t come at a price. Hip hop is a business where influence is measured in dollars— If we don’t want to pay for a voice, other people will be more than willing to speak up.

random conversation #19341

2012-01-26T17:15:00.000-08:00

me: i went on fb and theres 126 other jeyels.

r: so?

me: so?! wtf. im sposed to be the only jeyel. im gonna make a list and hunt down the other 126 and take em out. word to jet li in the one.

r: you have a hit list? what does it look like?

me: -_-

r: what?

me: its a piece of paper. that says "jeyel" 126 times.

r: oh.

vices .. hosted by louvain

2012-01-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD (mediafire)

(note: filesonic got shut down so the links for the other albums dont work. vices link works though. ill work on uploading them and make a note once i upload them to mediafire.)

viices
ungirthed
psychic city
pharaohs
shooting stars
cant let anybody know who you are
bury us alive
riot
austere
midnight city
origins
sleepy head
everything to me

here it is.. the first mix of 2012. louvain was actually the one that brought up putting something together and i cant believe i havent asked her before. i know we got different tastes when it comes to music, but she'll always put me up on something that i would have never come across and ill find myself putting that song on repeat for days. hit the download link above and im sure youll feel the same way.

p.s. as always, check out the right side of the page for more mixes. and shout out to lorenzo (northboundfilms) for the dope photo.

repost: no such thing

2012-01-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

ladies, lets get this clear, there is no such thing as a good guy. and for those of you that think you found one, i hate to break it to you but what you think is gold.. is only gold-plated.

i lightweight feel bad for girls. i know you think youre smart and funny, but truth is, guys are just laughing at your jokes and pretending to listen because theyre trying to fuck you. im not trying to offend you or say that you arent smart and funny (im sure you are). what im saying is that we dont care. you could say whatever and we'd pretend it was hilarious/witty.

see, everything we do is in the hopes that youll see what a good guy we are (read: get drunk and sleep with us). i mean, you gotta know it too right? theres no possible way we're actually interested in what you have to say. theres no possible way that we actually would try to get to know you before trying to hook up with you. and theres definitely no possible way that we actually enjoy your company. thatd just be fuckin ridiculous.

(/end sarcasm.)

i know what i wrote was stupid, but its not too far from the type of stuff i hear. and im getting tired of hearing that theres no such thing as a good guy.

especially, when its only half true.

i understand that some girls have had bad experiences. that their guards up because all theyve met is assholes. and yeah.. i agree.. theres a lot of assholes out there. but just because you knew a man well, doesnt mean you know them all.

i think youre selling yourself short if you think that a guy cant possibly be nice to you because he genuinely likes you. or think that all hes trying to do is sleep with you. maybe you are as smart, funny and pretty as you think you are and maybe he thinks so too.

in a recent post, i said that theres no shortage of good women out there. to be real, theres no shortage of hoes out there either. and im not saying its always the case, but you have to entertain the possibility that if he wanted, hed just go fuck those other girls (im sure itd take the half the effort too). but he doesnt. because once youve found a good girl, those other girls become just that... other girls.

"there is no such thing as a good guy."

its only half true.

but just because there isnt a guy thats good to every girl he meets, it doesnt mean you wont meet a guy thatll be good to you.

people you may know..

2012-01-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

so i was playing family feud (aka crack in app form) and the category was "things teenagers are embarassed to be seen at with their parents." the #1 answer was, of course, the mall, and i couldnt help but laugh to myself. i remember those days of walking a few feet away from moms at the mall (even though im sure everyone knew we were together) and acting too cool when i was browsing through the store. well, acting too cool until we got to the register, and then it was i love you ma!

im a little bit older now, and i was patting myself on the back for how much my relationship has grown with my parents. im not embarassed to be seen with them anywhere, its actually the opposite - i genuinely love spending quality time with them. as much as i love living in the bay, i do miss socal, mostly because of little things like eating dinner together as a family or spending sunday in the living room watching football.

somewhere in between family feud and me being overly proud of my maturity, i logged in to facebook. at the top right corner, under people you may know, it said.. benjamin gonzales.

fuck.

now, it had been there for awhile now, but my dad and i always had this mutual understanding that we might be close in real life, but facebook friends? shit.. you must be crazy.

im not exactly sure why either. breaking that digital wall was something that i always hesitated on doing, but the more i thought about it, the more i started feeling like that kid that was embarassed to be seen with their parents again. the one who stayed in his room, doors locked, and only came down at dinner to grab a plate to bring back up to his room. i wasnt and didnt want to be that type of son again.

so as my mouse hovered over "add as friend," i laughed to myself again and clicked. knowing my dad, he probably wont make a big deal about it, but im sure its gonna make for some interesting conversations next time i visit.

not that theres anything bad or incriminating on my facebook anyways.

all that shits on instagram.

p.s. things i imagine my dad will say to me after he accepts my friend request.

1. "son, where exactly is rack city? and why do you constantly feel the need to tell everyone youre there? and while im at it, why do you keep asking if peoples jackets are margiela?"

2. "who or what is a baracka flocka flame?"

3. " i saw your wall post about possible tebow movie names. i actually thought you and your friends came up with some funny ones (angels in the endzone, tebow time, 4th & God, healing the blindside). but you lost me when all of you started listing tebow porn parody titles (angels in the endzone, tebowned, 3rd & longer, game of inches). GROW UP."

4. " your mom saw the picture of you smoking that 'cigar.' "

5. " is molly your girlfriend? you sure take her a lot of places."

date a girl who doesnt read

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

date a girl who doesnt read.

dont worry, she'll be easy to find. she'll be at the nearest crowded bar sitting alone - the warm, dull glow of her phone illuminating the vacant expression on her beautiful face. approach her carefully as to not startle her. keep in mind that shes lost in a world of tweets, status updates, and is most likely in the middle of uploading pictures of her appletini. when shes done with her appletini, ask her if you can buy her another one.

open by letting her know what you think of basketball wives. even better if you confess its your guilty pleasure. ask her if she likes draya or if she would like to be draya.

understand that she doesnt know the difference between reality and reality tv. that shes so engrossed in keeping up, that she'll try to mirror her life with what shes sees on the screen. you wont be a boyfriend as much as youll be a character in her favorite reality show. the one in her head.

dont forget to lie to her. but not in the obvious ways. agree with her when she says her best friend is acting crazy (even when shes the one acting crazy). reassure her by telling her you think her dependency on alcohol is charming & cute. embellish a little when you say that you love spending quality time at the mall buying her things she doesnt need.

make sure to never let her down. the girl who doesnt read is a fragile creature. so indulge her wishes and protect her from the outside world that shes so frightened of. its not easy being a girl who doesnt read. every day she must overcome obstacles like instruction manuals and each day is filled with difficult decisions like whether or not to go to miami or cabo this may.

when you eventually propose make sure its via flashmob. or during a playoff game. anything that involves a crowd of people and somewhere, more importantly, that can be photographed easily so she can endlessly repost the pictures on her facebook.

after you get married, youll have kids with normal names but strange spellings. like chayce. or brittneigh. dont forget, their mother is a girl that doesnt read.

your divorce wont be as extravagant as your wedding, but dont worry, it will cost 10x as much. dont blame her. blame yourself. you shouldve known that a prenup is just one on the long list of things that a girl that doesnt read.. doesnt read.

date a girl who doesnt read because you deserve it. because its easier than dating a girl who does. because its more convenient. because you dont like to be challenged.

because youve yet to learn that somethings not always better than nothing.

if you want a girl who wants the world, but cant see beyond hers.. date a girl who doesnt read.

or better yet, date a girl who does.

p.s. this, of course, was inspired by that date a girl who reads post i started seeing everywhere. but it was also inspired by a girl that i went out on a date with when i was living in socal. on every 1st date ive been on, the question, whats your favorite book? always gets asked. its a good way to break the ice but i mostly ask because im always looking for new books to read. this girl in particular, simply replied, "umm.. i dont read."

which was really weird to me. i mean thats a really weird thing to say right? im not saying you have to read faulkner or james joyce or any books that high school kids are forced to read.. but to not read at all? or ever? not even goosebumps.. or magazines.. or the news.. or blogs.. or even those god damn twilight books?!

i think it bugged me because its like she didnt care at all. like she was saying.. nah i dont fuck with books. how hard would it have been to lie to me and say that, even though she really only saw the movie, the notebook was her favorite book?!

thats not to say that everything i wrote about above was about her. it wasnt. (well most of it.) i also dont want to imply that the date went terribly. it didnt.. we just had different interests. i hate doing it, but i thought id throw that disclaimer out there.

p.p.s. i dont even know why im worried she'd come across this post and get offended. BITCH DOESNT READ!

go faster, go further, go harder/ is that not why we came? / if not then why bother?

2012-01-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

you ever follow one of your favorite artists on twitter, and realize you that dont really like their personality that much? the best example i can think of is 'ye. i love dudes music. all his albums are fuckin amazing. but then i followed him on twitter, read his interviews, and watch his behind the scenes docs, and i realized, even as big of a fan as i am.. he's kind of.. well .. a dick. and self-obsessed. and a little delusional.

but thing is, thats also what makes him great. his ability to have these grandiose ideas is what leads to him creating masterpieces like MBDTF. or envisioning the ridiculously amazing set at the WTT tour. and it made me realize that sometimes the flaws that we always try to change or cover up, are also the things that make us who we are.

im rambling about this because i know this is the time of year that folks take as an opportunity to change the things they dont like about themselves. and not that im against that, but instead of trying to change myself, my resolution this year to be more accepting of my shortcomings.

not to say that im gonna stop trying to be a better person. its not that at all. but instead of being my own worst critic, im gonna try to be my best one.

and im gonna start with focusing on the things that i love instead of the things that i hate. hov said oh youre not feeling it fine? it cost you nothing, pay me no mind. and im gonna try to remember that. you ever come across someones blog or tumblr and you think that persons annoying? (shittt, maybe its this one) but you keep visiting it anyways? yeah thats me with certain music/movies/people.

so for the new year, im gonna try to stop wasting my time with things that i hate, and start supporting the things that i love. i have too many amazing friend's projects/albums/movies/websites to share and enjoy to waste time with the things that arent worth my time.

with that being said.. let me get one last hate session out of my system for this year. (hey i said i was gonna work on it. baby steps, son.. baby steps).

things i hated in 2011:

1. calling out people for hopping on the bandwagon is the new bandwagon

oh when you were born you popped out in a giants jersey? word? so that makes you more of a fan? you picked the 49ers defense for your fantasy team even before they were good? your point is? that doesnt tell me anything other than you suck at fantasy football. you heard frank ocean before they started playing him on the radio? congrats! you know how to use the internet.

all those things dont matter. just shut up, enjoy the ride and quit worrying about other people.

2. people that write something on their notepad, take a screenshot, and post it on instagram

stop it.

3. the motto video

i had high hopes for this video. and then wayne stomped all over them with his furry green boots. oh and fuck tyga.

4. those wiz/drake quotes on tumblr

just cause you stick a picture of drake behind your bitchass quote doesnt make it any less stupid. i swear i saw someone post "i dont need to unbutton her shirt to see her heart." what does that even mean? im not trying to see her heart. im trying to see her titties god damnit.

5. all these people

i hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you. word to silky johnson.

p.s. things i loved in 2011: my family. my friends that are like family. ignorant rap (rack city is the best and worst song of 2011 #ifyouaintgotnoassbitchwearaponcho) sosupersam. watch the throne. my little butterball of a nephew, king. attack the block. my 7 day birthday marathon. warriors/giants games. community/the league/workaholics/happy endings. bittorrent. baracka flocka flame. rediscovering the city. donald glover/childish gambino. nightlife at the academy of sciences. random texts. instagram. grantland. 90s shows on youtube. and whether you visit this site because you love it or hate it, i love that you read it. heres to the new year.

today.

2011-12-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

connected

2011-11-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

so... i copped the new iphone a few weeks back. im not much of an apple fanboy, but ever since my ex bought me the 1st one, i seriously cant imagine having any other phone. still, it was just a phone to me.

but that all changed when i got this one.

let me just say, the 4s is fuckin awesome. first, the camera is RIDICULOUS. i immediately hopped on instagram and downloaded a bunch of camera apps. before i knew it, i was taking super crisp pictures of mr. pickles sandwiches.. strategically arranged shots of jameson .. random babies.. EVERYTHING.

i took my phone to the sbtrkt concert and the show was amazing. it had this crazy stage setup, lion king masks, and a confetti cannon. i was right up in front and captured/enjoyed the whole show thru my iphones 4.5 x 2.31 in. HD lens. it looked SO REAL on my screen!

did i mention the cameras on the front side too? whattttt!!! no more doing that awkward arm extension to take a picture of myself. or standing in front a mirror. suddenly, i got an entire roll of pictures of just myself. who knew i could make so many funny faces?!

and thats not all.. theres a bunch of addicting games too! i think ive perfected the art of playing games and holding a conversation. sometimes i think its better to play games while im talking to someone because i get in this zen-like zone. i got my high score on line runner when i was talking to my brother about something. i forgot what we were talking about, but i got 835 on level 2 SON! 835!

todays cyber monday, so if you can find a deal (and even if you cant), i suggest/insist copping the new iphone.

its not just a phone, itll CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

p.s.

i had initially read about and dismissed the idea of technological determinism; the theory that the world is the way it is because of technology. simply put, its the idea that instead of these tools being used to make our lives easier, these tools are shaping the way we live our lives.

i dismissed it pretty much because i was in the "its a poor workman that blames his tools" type mindset. kind of like when people delete their fb cause they say its addicting/evil. i always thought.. its not fbs fault.. its you. still, these past few weeks with my new phone have been enlightening to say the least.

its funny that theres all these things that are supposed to make us feel more connected (fb/twitter) but lately, ive actually been feeling more disconnected. i read this great article about facebook by matthew trammel where he wrote,

Facebook was absolute empty calories for my brain. It gave me the satisfaction of constantly feeling active. It was always updated. It always changed. There was always a little red flag to discover, and everyone I’d ever met was there. But I never learned anything. Sure, people posted news stories, and I’m certain there were a few dead celebrities I found out about through someone’s statuses. But I’ve never once felt enriched by Facebook, or entertained, or stimulated, or challenged. It was just always there, like a mental safety net, to catch me if I were to ever fall near the dreaded, horrifying abyss known as boredom.

and i started to see the same things in my life. i think i first noticed it at the sbtrkt concert. here i was at this amazing concert right up front and i was watching it through a tiny little screen. (take a moment to visualize that. that looks pretty stupid right?) i was more concerned with recording a video than just enjoying the awesomeness that was right in front of me. i dont even know why. the quality of the video wasnt that great and when you play it back, the bass is so distorted you cant even hear the music.

and then the other week i was at a bar with your 2 favorite bloggers (and 2 of my favorite people aka #bestcoupleever), abi & rach. i took a pic of the bar and wrote "quality time with @d0owaditty & @raaachem." at the time, the irony was lost on me that i said i was spending quality time with them, yet i was more interested in uploading pics on instagram/checking facebook & twitter when we were together.

and it wasnt just with them. i started to notice i was constantly checking my phone - at work, while i was eating, even when i was driving. lately, ive been trying to go out of my way to make sure i dont check my phone if im with fam or friends.. and no sarcasm- its harder than you think.

dont get me wrong, i really do think the phones awesome. and everyones allowed take a bunch of pictures of themselves and indulge in a little narcissism once in a while (not that ive done anything like that). its great having a camera to capture special events and random moments. its nice to have a distraction like angry birds when youre waiting in line. and i love having my music on me at all times (plus, the hall & oates station on pandora is the fuckin shit!).

its just a slipperier slope than i realized.

and sometimes you get so caught up looking down at the tiny hd screen, that you miss all the amazing real things around you.

ever since my 1st nokia phone, id panic if the battery was low. i cant even remember the last time my phone was off. so this past thanksgiving, i purposely left my phone at home or in the car when i was with my family in socal. and you know what happened?

the world didnt end. the world didnt pass me by.

if anything, i felt even more connected to the world that mattered.

REPOST: all i want for xmas is new years eve

2011-11-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

man fuck christmas.

well, at least when im single.

see, it always has this way of making me feel like an insecure girl on valentines day. pre-December 1st, im all fuck yeah.. cause im singleee (/drake).

then it starts to get a little colder and the decorations at the mall start going up.

and suddenly it feels like i always get stuck in line behind couples while im trying to buy my presents for fam. " what do you want for xmas? " -him. " no what do you want for xmas?" - her. " haha just tell me already!" - him. " no! i already have what i want. you, silly! blahblahblah."

GET. THE. FUCK. OUTTA HERE.

still, i cant front like i dont get jealous when im in a store and a girls asking what the difference between 7 3/8 and 7 5/8 is for fitteds. i think i accidentaly blurted out " im a 7 3/8! LOVE.... ME!" once.

awkwarddd.

but i know i cant be the only one that goes to midnight mass and hates those couples that come thru all matching. and the dude always looks like he's pissed off. like bro, dont look at me crazy, i didnt make you wear that red cardigan with the big fuckin christmas tree and fruity ass snowmen on it. shits too ugly even for an ugly christmas sweater party.

i guess the xmas season brings out my inner-hater because it exposes all the flaws of being single.

1. its cold outside. ( i swear its mandatory for all couples to update their fb with " its cold outside. staying in, cuddling with babe.")

2. you run in to family whos first words are always " oh, i heard you broke up with your gf" or " why dont you have a gf yet? are you a gay?" merry christmas to you too lola.

3. having to shop solo. im a terrible shopper so my girl would always get me thru that maze/hell that is the mall the week before christmas.

4. i dont miss getting presents from my girl, as much as i miss finding the perfect gift for her. dont get me wrong, its nice to get the perfect gift for family or a friend too, but its just different when its your girl's face lighting up after opening your gift.

5. romantic comedies on 24/7 repeat on all the cable channels. i swear i watched independence day 5 times on spike just to avoid them.

thank god for new years.

so to all the other single folks, pop open that veuve & join me in an early toast. heres to beautiful women in tight dresses, open bar, & ringing in the new year by making some mistakes!

junction jams.. hosted by rum

2011-11-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

1. made in heights - viices
2. theophilus london - wine and chocolates
3. little dragon - ritual union
4. tinashe - the feeling
5. the boogie - go
6. pretty lights - finally moving
7. miguel migs - so far
8. nero - must be the feeling
9. the weeknd - life of the party
10. justice - audio, video, disco
11. bag raiders - shooting stars
12. j. cole - rise and shine
13. made in heights - all the places
14. jay-z and kanye - the joy

got a new tape for everyone hosted by the homie rum. back in davis, rum used to work at this spot called the junction which was like an on campus convenience store. it was the spot to chill at and the manager (shout out to neil!) always let everyone bump whatever music they wanted. rum always had the new shit so everyone would constantly ask him what tracks were playing. and thats pretty much the concept behind this mix. an updated version of the mixes he'd put together for work.

damn i miss college.

p.s. as always.. peep the right hand side for more mixes!

a letter from your girlfriend's best friend

2011-11-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

yo.. whats good man? i know i dont know you very well other than a polite head nod here and a did you see the niner game last week? there.. but i wanted to talk to you for a quick minute. as you know im your girls best friend. and this isnt on some im her best friend but secretly like her and hate on you every chance i get cause i wanna swoop type best friend.

im talking genuine thats my girl and as crazy as she is, i love her type best friend.

and i see that you make her happy.

sometimes.

see, thats what i wanted to talk to you about.

as happy as you make her, you also turn her in to a drunken insecure ocd freak that gets on my nerves and forgets how amazing she is.

sometimes.

and its those times that im worried about. trust me, i try my best to defend you, which is usually on some man he doesnt mean to be like that, hes a guy. he just doesnt know any better tip.. but after having to scrutinize your one word response to her text for the 100th time and saying he just doesnt know any better.. i decided .. shit. maybe i should let him know so he knows better.

so heres a couple of tips:

1. its never too soon to set boundaries. "we just kickin it" or "lets see where this goes" is not an acceptable answer. trust me, you dont want that. she wants boundaries. seriously shes fucking amazing. i know you see that. and youre trippin if you think youre the only guy that sees it too.

even "hey i like having sex with you and just you" is an acceptable answer. and if its otherwise, thats cool too. just let her know.

2. she WILL tell me every detail. even some of the things i dont want to know. shit, ALL OF IT IS SHIT I DONT WANT TO KNOW. and if shes telling me, you know shes telling her girls. keep that in mind.

3. girls are weird and think they have superpowers. they think they can tell when youre fucking some other girl or lying about something. when she starts asking questions, dont get defensive. its just her insecurities disguised as womens intuition. she doesnt really believe youre fucking someone else. if she did, she woulda left. take it as a signal that you gotta reassure her more. a compliment here, a "hey you look beautiful" there goes a long way. and for what you get in return, trust me its worth it.

and thats it. basic right?

now go do it so i dont gotta hear about your bullshit anymore.

peace.

.. just give me 6 months so you can say i told you so

2011-11-08T15:21:00.000-08:00

ive been thinking about the state of hip hop lately. theres no denying theres a wealth of young talent out there right now - j. cole/drake/kendrick/ofwgkta just off top. i know hov and 'ye might still have the throne, but you cant help but feel like youre witnessing the changing of the guard.

hip hop feels fresh again and you can literally see the excitement on forums, tweets, & fb posts. folks screaming GOLF WANG! or COLEWORLD! everywhere - its a great time for the new generation of hip hop fans (damn am i really that old?)

and i cant lie, i kinda miss feeling that way. (fuck. i guess so.)

the last time i felt hyped and blown away by an album was college dropout. everything on that album was so new and so different, it felt like hip hop took a giant leap forward. my kanye stannery started early.. copping multiple copies on vinyl, rocking the college dropout shirt every other day.. doing the jesus walks dance on the way to class. everything short of rockin pink polos with the popped collar.

i was too young to hear illmatic/reasonable doubt/ready to die and understand its context when they dropped. but 'ye was different. i got to see his development in his mixtapes and guest verses and got to enjoy his debut as it happened which is probably why im so attached to him as an artist.

fast forward almost a decade, and it seems like ive heard everything. its been so long that i forgot what the feeling feels like; i just know that nothing compared to that high of hearing a classic for the first time.

that itching feeling for something new came back though. you know, that desire to hear the next new thing.. the next artist to take hip hop to another level.

for awhile i thought it was drake. and as dope a songwriter as he is, the whole thing is starting to sound too repetitive and too safe. j. cole promised illmatic, but delivered stillmatic (solid album but far from a classic). and as much potential as i see in the kendricks, big krits, & dom kennedys, theyre just not there yet. still, i wanted that feeling back so bad that i tried to hype myself up on the highlights of section 80, cole world & return to 4eva. all above average albums, but it just wasnt the same.

maybe i just heard everything before and college dropout was just one of those types of game-changing albums that only come once in awhile. maybe college dropout was great to me because of the time of my life i associated it with. maybe i just remember it being better than it really was.

nah fuck that. college dropout was the shit!

ive been on a music downloading spree for the past 2 months looking for that next thing. besides god forgives i dont, my most anticipated album to listen to was childish gambino's camp. i was gonna wait till the 15th, but donald glover released a stream so i decided to give it a listen. i didnt really know what to expect, just that culdesac and his ep are 2 of my favorite releases of the past year. i always hesistated putting people on for a couple of reasons though: 1. hes an actor too so im pretty sure a lot of people cant take him seriously. 2. his voice is kinda annoying and 3. he straddles the line of inspired by/straight biting wayne/'ye/drake's flow.

but if you listen to culdesac, theres this raw honesty in his lyrics that was just dope to me and his punchlines hit hard like mixtape weezy.

i just finished camp last night and was completely blown away. i got the same feeling when i heard we don't care for the first time. i wanna go more in to it, but id rather have folks listen to it for themselves. all i know is that it made me realize i was trying too hard to convince myself coleworld was a classic.

not that im saying camp is a classic. shit i dont even know if its a good album (ive only gone through it twice).

all i know is that its got me excited about hip hop again.

CLICK TO STREAM THE ALBUM

2011-11-07T22:58:00.001-08:00

focus on what makes you happy.

new theory

2011-10-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

sweaty palms. heart racing. crippling anxiety.

was i in love or was a train about to crash in to my car?

and really, isnt it the same thing?

well no.. its not. but for the longest time i confused love with obsession. i couldnt stop thinking about this girl and had to know where she was all the time.. so i had to be in love right? no one else in the world could make me want to shake and hug them all at the same time.. so i had to be in love right? every rational thought i had told me to walk away, but im still here trying to fight for her.. so i had to be in love right?

nothing in life comes easy and everything worth anything only comes through hard work. so i figured the sleepless nights, angry voicemails, & drunken arguments at the club had to be worth it. she only drives me crazy because i love her so much, i told myself.

from my first girl to the last one, it all seemed to be the same. and its probably why i started to assume that the degree of the intensity of our arguments was a measure of the degree of my feelings for that person.

that girl that i got along with and that was actually supportive and made me feel good about myself? her? nah thats just my homegirl. but that girl that made me feel insecure & with just one word could make me feel this extreme type of anger that can only be described as a combination of getting cut off on the freeway and stubbing my toe on a door? her? im telling you.. i think SHES THE ONE.

joking aside, i honestly always thought that the girl that drove me crazy was worth holding on to. if she drove me crazy and i still wanted to be with her.. i figured i had to make it work because that girl was rare.

but you know whats even more rare than a girl like that? the girl you can laugh at stupid shit with. the girl you dont hesitate to call when your cars broken down and youre stuck in oakland in the pouring rain. and no girl is perfect, but this same girl is at least honest with you about her imperfections. thats rare. and thats something worth holding on to.

wale had it wrong.

no girl is worth some anger. and that girl certainly isnt the girl thats worth some effort.

soundtrack 2 my life v. 7

2011-10-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD(mediafire)

1. trials of the past - sbtkrt
2. dont move - phantogram
3. dumbin - star slinger
4. ritual union - little dragon
5. chatoyant - made in heights
6. cloud 10 - kendrick lamar
7. dreams money can buy - drake
8. things are changing - gary clark jr.
9. good times - tinashe
10. midnight life - white panda
11. new theory (rac mix) - washed out
12. balance - future islands
*bonus: green lights - aloe blacc

" its kinda fresh you listen to more than hip hop .." - common, the light.

i know its kinda soon to be dropping another one, but here it is anyways. for this volume, i started thinking about why its so important for me to share good music. whether it was dubbing cassette tapes, burning cds, or starting this blog to upload tracks for friends.. putting together mixes was always something i did.

you might not have heard of a lot of these artists, and their tracks might not catch your ear at first, but i wanted to post songs that ive been hyped up to share with folks. hopefully youll find a few tracks you like.

REPOST: well i know youre a lot of woman/ but not enough to divide the pie

2011-10-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

ive already gone through what my ideal girls like in previous posts. those qualities are important, but just as is important, is timing. theres things that are red flags for me ( like if she has no close girl friends or if the phrase "bottomless mimosas" is a recurring theme on her fb) but theres other red flags that have nothing to do with her personality. the girl could have everything i want, but theres 3 certain situations that i try to avoid.

1. she lives more than 3 1/2 hours away. by car. in traffic.

i dont want to argue about whether or not long distance can work. if you tried hard enough, im sure you could make it work. im sure if you tried hard enough, you could squeeze water out of a rock too. long distance relationships are like that- except when you cant squeeze water out, theres someone screaming " youre not trying hard enough!" at you. im not really sure what makes long distance so difficult. i will say that having a set time/plan helps. the issue with my long distance relationship was that i never set a date on when i would move back up to sf. i think it would have been a lot easier if we both knew that the long distance thing was temporary.

2. she has a boyfriend

yeah on paper, this should be obvious. but sometimes you cant help but fall for a girl with a boyfriend. if you've never been in that situation, shitttt.. youre a better man than me.

3. she's not over her ex

the step-cousin of #2. yeah shes technically single, but if shes not over her ex, then i just cant see myself dating her. everyone thats been through a break up can agree that when youre going through the process, you definitely arent yourself.

and really, thats my issue with all 3 of the situations above. if im with you, i want to be with all of you. not just part of you, which is what youre getting when you date a girl in those situations. if you date someone that you cant see regularly, what type of relationship are you in? yeah you can still talk every day, but being physically around each other even if youre not saying a word is an important part of the relationship too. when you date someone in a relationship, youre just getting small doses of their good side. or the side of them that they feel like they cant be around their boyfriend. if you date someone thats not over their ex, you might see flashes of the real version in her smile or in the few moments she lets her guard down.. but unless you want to end up as a rebound, its probably best to just keep it moving for now.

theres always exceptions and im not saying that you cant make it work. after all, that girl with the drinking problem might be set in her ways, but that cute girl with a boyfriend? hey.. situations change.

2011-10-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

" For too many people, the easiest thing to do is assume everything sucks. Becoming passionate about something—really loving it—requires putting yourself on the line. It also requires that at some point, you might be let down by that which you love. We all disappoint each other, and nobody’s perfect. We say these things, but too often, we don’t really believe them. Deep down, we’re hoping we’ll find someone or something that never lets us down, that will forgive us every time we let them down. To a real degree, that’s probably why many people lose themselves in the pop culture of their childhood: When you were a kid, disappointment was barely a word in your vocabulary, and if you loved something, you loved it without reservation. Now, you’re an adult. Even if you love something, there’s often a detachment, a sense that if you pull away just far enough, you can stay enamored without falling too far. Then when the time comes, you can cut bait and head home, secure in your ability to keep from being hurt too much."

good women are rare too/ none of them have came close

2011-10-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

having a bunch of great homegirls has had an adverse effect on my dating life and it can be best summed up by something a friend once told me..

as your friend, i would want you to be with a girl like me even if it wasnt me. the thing is, i dont know any girls like me.

see, ive gotten close to a few homegirls this past year, and its hard to not compare them to every girl i date. and i know its unfair and even slightly fucked up, but the girls ive dated just seem to fall short.

and it wasnt until recently that i realized it might be because my homegirls set the bar too high.

because in them, i see my perfect girl.

i see a girl that works her ass off at her job, goes to school, and still finds the time to fly to miami to wild out. i see a girl whose talent and drive has her juggling twenty different things while somehow making it all look effortless (and still being an amazing mom). i see a girl whose intelligence is only matched by her passion and ambition. i see a girl whos coming in to her own and doing all things i wish i could do.. like move half way around the world for a year just because.

and most importantly, i see that good girls do exist. i think after geting out of a long relationship, everyone goes through that cynical/jaded stage. and i know im probably the textbook definition of a guy with trust issues right now, but i see that slowly starting to go away. and my homegirls are a big reason for that.

dont get me wrong, they all still drive me crazy, (i think i threatened to punch abi in the ovaries a record 8 times last week) but im thankful for all my homegirls because theyve given me a better understanding of what i want out of a relationship.

ive always believed that if you dont know what you want, you end up with a lot of what you dont. and if you asked me a year ago what my perfect girl was like, i honestly wouldnt know what to tell you. but now, thanks to them, im starting to figure that out.

p.s. while writing this, i was talking to ren about everything to see what she thought. she said that being friends with me had the opposite effect - that seeing the way i treat girls made her lose faith in guys. i would be offended, but i kind of see her point.

p.p.s. and to anyone that says, if you like your friends so much, why dont you try to date them? its simple. i know a bunch of assholes like me. and as their friend, i wouldnt want them to date an asshole like me.. especially if that asshole was me.

2011-10-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

i miss being lost.

lost in the music.

headphones on, the rest of the world off.

eyes closed,
2-steppin in between the 808s,
drunk off the drums,
strumming my air guitar,
singing off-key to the melody.

i miss being lost.

lost in love.

eating in a crowded restaurant,
the surrounding noise,
dulled down and drowned out
by the sound of her smile.

i miss being lost.

lost in the moment.

i miss being lost.

where nothing mattered.

i miss being lost.

where everything mattered.

holla mears

2011-10-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

whole EP currently on repeat.

(sosupersam pic for no reason.)

2011-09-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

just wanted to plug a few things from 2 of my very beautiful and very talented friends.

rach just launched her new website, a video project where random folks give their take on love, life, & relationships.

Reel Street Love - Take 1 from Rachel Tan | Reel Street Love on Vimeo.

check out the rest at REEL STREET LOVE. (ignore the guy in the grey sweater. it was his birthday and he was schwasted.)

your favorite blogger (and mine) finally got a twitter account. follow girls are the new boys here to get updates on handjobs, tentacle porn, & squirting. and occasionally, about love.

Enough Already?

Past experiences have taught me to be careful when giving ultimatums – especially ones to myself.

I grew up thinking there were certain things I would never tolerate. Well honey, never say “never,” and never say, “If s/he do this one more fucking time, I’m out.” Because chances are, he or she will do it at least two more times before you even consider taking yourself seriously.

There is always that little straw that breaks the camel’s back. Which is exactly what it is usually - something as light and insignificant as a straw. You never hear someone say “It was the final bowling ball!” or, “That was the last atomic bomb!” And you would think cheating would be the straw that broke the wo/man’s back, but I know plenty of people who’ve forgiven worse.

Thinking back to the ultimatums I’ve given myself, I’m almost positive I’ve failed them all. Despite months of being unhappy, and at least six phone-throwing, dashboard kicking, and door-slamming while the car was still in motion fights, it was something as simple as a Wacom tablet that made me say, “Oh fuck this shit, I’m done,” in one of my last relationships.

I can also remember being sad over a guy and desperately trying to figure out what it would take to finally get over him or not let him back in. A new guy? A new girl? A vacation? A puppy? A gym membership? And even though I’d get a tan and a nice stomach out of it, it was never any of the above. For the most part, it would usually be nothing at all. It would be a typical day, and something would just CLICK.

I think it’s easier to set up limitations for ourselves because they seem concrete, tangible. Like setting a goal – if you can see it, you can reach it. But it’s harder to actually follow because most of the time we just aren’t ready yet. You unfortunately can’t predict that kind of shit. Love doesn’t have deadlines in our minds, and life would be breezy if we were able to mark a date on our calendars and say, “OK, on April 25th, 1:37pm I will have had enough.”

But sometimes, what we think is enough isn’t ever really enough. I applaud you if you are one of those people who can leave before hitting your actual limit, but if you aren’t? I simply stand beside you. Different people can tolerate different things, and I can roll my eyes at you while you roll your neck at me thinking the other is an idiot – but only we know what we can and can’t handle. How much more or how much left we have to give. When enough, really is enough.

Enough is only enough, when it’s ENOUGH. And we never know when it’s enough … until we’ve actually had enough. If you can’t understand that, then you probably haven’t had enough yet.

im trying to be a better man, please believe me/ ready and God-willing if you ready to teach me

2011-09-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

the other night, i had dinner with this girl i used to date. we broke up a few years ago, but we still kept in touch here and there. she was in town, so as an early bday gift, she wanted to take me to dinner and catch up. i said sure and i thought about how it's been an awkward and long transition from dating to just being friends, but im glad we stuck with it.

over dinner, she told me she read my blog and how she liked it, but that it sounded a lot different from the person that she knew. its funny because the reason (well one of them) we broke up was because i felt like she didnt understand me. and in that moment, i realized i never really let her in either. i only showed her one side of me and i never really opened up to her, so how i could expect her to understand? she jokingly said that she learned more about me from the past 10 months of my blog archive than the 10 months we spent dating, but im sure there was some truth in that.

i guess its easier to be vulnerable when i write because im always in control. i can delete, rephrase, or keep it as a draft (until i can go back and read it again). its an entirely different thing to open yourself up in person and in the moment.

its probably unfair/inaccurate, but ive always blamed my reluctance to open up on my first girlfriend (a different ex than the one i had dinner with). in her defense, im sure i was pretty screwed up to begin with. still, i cant help but think that our relationship had a big influence on why i choose to hold things in so much. one argument stands out in particular when i think about why i feel like that.

if you know me, you know im close to my dad. and around the time me and my first girl were dating, i had this overwhelming feeling that he was cheating on my mom (he wasnt. but like most things, it was a lot more complex than a 19 year old kid could understand ). still, at the time, i felt angry, hurt and most of all confused. i didnt know what to do.

me and my ex went out to a movie and i had been distracted the entire time so when we got in the car, she asked me what was wrong, and told me that she wasnt starting it up until i told her what was on my mind.

after repeatedly asking me what was wrong, i just broke down and told her everything. it felt good to get everything out but that momentarily relief went away when all i heard was silence. i remember seeing the look of concern on her face, but it was a different type of concern. she didnt say anything so i asked her what was wrong. she replied, " i just cant help but think about how they say if the dad cheats, the son is more likely to cheat too."

i wish i could fully express how i felt in that exact moment when i heard her say that. that it was as simple as me being mad that she made it about us when it wasnt. or that i was confused about why she would say something like that in the first place. or how that i was scared that she might be right. but it was more than that. or maybe it was all of that.

all i know is that ever since then, ive had a hard time sharing my insecurities/fears/worries with people. (i know what youre thinking.. says the guy with the blog. but most of these posts touch on general things that everyone goes through.. i think theres only been a few where i talk about something personal.)

and as i sat there at dinner making shallow small talk, i realized that me not opening up was the root of the major problems in all of my past relationships. being so closed off to the one person i wasnt supposed to be was like setting someone up for a test that i expected them to fail. how could i expect things to last, when i never really gave things a chance? i realized that just as important as being there for your girl was letting your girl be there for you too.

it was too late for me and my ex's (romantic) relationship, but it wasnt too late to build on our friendship. so after dinner, i asked her if she wanted to grab some drinks. i told her that i knew she had an early flight the next morning, but id appreciate it if she stayed out just a little bit later - there was some stuff i wanted to talk about.

rendezvous

2011-09-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

1. Intro- Fall in Love

2. Blum- I'll Always Be in Your Heart
3. Van She- Kelly (Breakbot remix)
4. Basement Jaxx ft. Jose James- Gimme Something True

5. Jamie Cullum- Frontin'

6. Flight Facilities featuring Giselle- Crave You
7. Ellie Goulding x Daft Punk- There's Something About Us Under the Sheets
8. Kleerup featuring Lykke Li -Until We Bleed
9. Toro y Moi- Go with You

10. SBTRKT ft Yukimi Nagano- Wildfire
11. Jai Paul- BTSTU
12. Phoenix- Girlfriend
13. Mara Hruby- The Panties
14. Finley Quaye- Even After All
15. Jono McCleery- Tomorrow

16. Tokimonsta- The World is Ours

audrey's follow up to lyrics to go & wanderlust. i dont really know what to write other than, if you havent heard wanderlust, youre missing out. and if you have, then you already know you shouldve clicked the download link already.

imaginary player

2011-09-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

bill bellamy has had a bigger influence on my maturity as a man than id care to admit. more specifically, his often forgotten, yet seminal film, how to be a player.

now when it came out, i was too young to fully understand the ingenuity of hiding things in a shoebox carefully hidden among rows of other shoeboxes, or the multiple uses of ice cubes (if you dont know, you better ask somebody!), but it did leave an undeniable (albeit misguided) imprint of my views of being a player and by extension, being a man.

from that movie i learned that a player always kept his calm, was smooth, thought 3 steps ahead, and of course, was well versed in the art of conversation.

and up until recently, that a player was almost exclusively male.

but now ive noticed that the player paradigm has shifted to an almost exclusively female archetype. and only 2 things can explain what brought about this change: the economy & the internet.

see, despite what the news might say, we're still in a recession. look at it this way, a typical dinner and a movie (on average) will cost at least $50. and i know if you only see each other once a week, that isnt much. but shit starts to add up real quick when youre dating 3-4 girls. thats $200 a week, son! at least! and thats not including gas, i-was-just-thinking-about-you presents aka i-think-i-might-have-slipped-up-so-i-got-you-something-to-distract-you presents, and other random shit. like i said, we're in a recession, and dating multiple girls just doesnt make sense for a man.

being broke isnt pimpin, player.

on the flip side, we're in a recession. so what woman would be dumb enough to turn down a nice dinner and a movie? even if she was only semi-interested, shed probably still go. just last month, within the same week, my homegirl had dinner at palominos, saw friends with benefits, AND went to comedy jam. cost to her? a couple kisses on the cheek and some light flirting.

thats pretty player if you ask me.

even more damning than the current state of our economy was the advent of facebook/twitter/internet in general. in how to be a player, bill bellamy still had an answering machine. (remember those?!) that means if any one of his other girls called while he was out with someone, he had a valid excuse- he wasnt home. but now, with texting, cell phones, twitter, facebook.. if you dont respond within 10 minutes, you might as well be cheating cause your girls gonna think you are anyways.

with all that access, theres just too many ways to get caught up nowadays. how short of a movie would how to be a player be if it took place today? one of bill bellamys side chicks would have written on his wall (instead of his refrigerator), lisa turtle would have seen it, and it woulda been a wrap. weve already established that men arent as smart as women, and theres just too many things that can go wrong when your business is out there online like that. (and for those of you that say, simple.. just dont have a facebook or twitter. well you might as well get 2 cell phones too because thats just a red flag and women are just gonna assume you got something to hide.)

on the flip side, women are down right ingenious (or devious depending on how you look at it) with that shit. remember that girl i went out with that had a boyfriend? on of one those nights, i was at her place waiting for her to get out of the shower. i was bullshittin on fb and saw that she checked in to starbucks. when she got out, i asked her if she was planning to go there and she said, "no.. i told my boyfriend i had to study so i checked in to starbucks."

now, read that again.

i understand that might not be anything to the women reading this, but to me, THAT SHIT WAS AMAZING. impressive even. see as a man, my mind doesnt even think that way. i felt like i should have been upset/offended/confused/something negative, but i was too busy being in awe of her nonchalant attitude about the whole thing.

... so lets review.

women can convince you to take them out and have you pay for all their shit.. all the while convincing you that youre the only guy theyre seeing.

i mean if that aint a player, then what the hell you call that?!

2011-08-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

"I am beginning to realize that maybe I put too much of the work on myself. Slowly, I am beginning to give more to God – to listen, discover and be shown, rather than dig, and dig and dig. But I still want to be active about this pursuit because I don’t believe I can just sit and wait for the answers to come. Part of that pursuance are these journals, where I can begin to document so many of the doubts and fears that not only make up too much of who I am, but from what I have observed, too much of what too many people are. I want to lead by example. Confront the moments where my ego is battling me for domination. And when I can’t battle back, those moments that I know we all go through, I write. I write and I come back and read and begin to understand. So when it comes again I can remember that not only have I been here before but I have observed everything that was here with me, and I can choose to either remove them, adjust them, or just ignore them. I am TRYING. And it seems that when I try this hard, people worry about me, I guess, because no one seems to try that hard unless they are close to breaking. Well I’m not as close as you think I am but I believe we all are a lot closer than we think. So I prepare and I practice. I am changing my mind and that is not an easy feat. I don’t take the task lightly. I thank you SO MUCH for your concern. I won’t say don’t worry about me because the company helps. But I don’t deserve it more than anyone else. Whether they express it or not, so many of the people close to you (you included) are struggling through as well, and I hope we remember to express that care onto them and as well as ourselves."

- dahlak

soundtrack 2 my life v. 6

2011-08-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD (mediafire)

1. high for this - sid sriram

2. new day - kanye west
3. like a star - j. cole
4. wildfire (drumma boy remix) - SBTRKT ft. shabazz
5. all the places - made in heights
6. something goes right - SBTRKT
7. falling star (r3k remix) - kid cudi
8. trust issues (jaybeatz remix) - drake
9. loft music - the weeknd
10. acura integurl - frank ocean
11. i cant make you love me - bon iver
12. i stand alone - theophilus london

*bonus track: beauty in the dark - mos def

back at it again. usually id talk about the concept i had for this mix, but im saving it for a future post. im not one to hype up my own shit, but this is definitely one of my favorite mixtapes. download it and just let it run through - i promise you wont be disappointed.

REPOST: the right fit

2011-08-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

reposting an old entry because im working on something for tomorrow.

all the girls ive dated have been different and were great in their own unique way, but all of them had one thing in common: whether it was a birthday, anniversary, valentines day, christmas.. they all bought me a jacket.

and they all were terrible, terrible jackets. im sorry - actually no. i think you owe me an apology for thinking that this was a good look. you know who you are. and before you give me shit and start saying that its the thought that counts.. ask yourself.. what the hell do i need all of those pockets for?!

ill be the first to admit that guys are hard to shop for.. me especially. and yeah, i definitely agree that its the thought that counts. butwhen i opened up that present, tried on the jacket, and looked in the mirror.. behind that smile.. i was thinking.. what. the. fuck.

see it bothered me because those ugly jackets meant a couple of things. that either..

1. the girl im dating has no style

yeah.. i know some of the guys are like who cares what shes wearing? yeah thats cool and all and i wish i could not care.. but i cant. i remember my 1st year at davis i was dating this girl and i invited her to my homies birthday dinner. she showed up wearing red capris and a pink t-shirt with a big ass red heart in the middle. i remember thinking holy shit. im dating a 5th grader. a 5th grader dressed like.. a freaking care bear. after that i knew it was a wrap. sorry if that sounds messed up, but its true.

2. the girl im dating is trying to change my style

yeah.. no.

3. the girl im dating(and this bothered me the most) didnt get me

yeah maybe its looking too deep in to things. and yeah its just a present. but hey thats me.. i look in to things way too much. this was especially disappointing if i had been dating a girl for a while. it kinda felt like she didnt put enough thought in to it or even worse, maybe she really didnt know me at all.

im not saying i stopped dating any of these girls because they happen to think that rhinestones are ok on a mens jacket. i did appreciate the thought and i definitely rocked it despite knowing better.

funny tangent.. one of the girls i used to date asked my help in picking out a jacket for her boyfriend this past valentines day. of course she didnt listen to me and picked some other jacket and i remember thinking damn.. thats a terrible choice. but i just saw her post some pics of him in the jacket, and it didnt look half-bad on him. i guess the problem wasnt her sense of style or the jacket after all.. she just needed to find the right person that could pull it off.

2011-08-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

cant. stop. watching. this. gif.

difficult takes a day/impossible takes a week

2011-08-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

i dont need it to be easy, i just want it to be possible.

on serial monogamists, trust issues & taking chances

2011-08-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

the other day abi showed me this blog about certain types of people to avoid when dating. one of them in particular was on point:

The Serial Monogamist Shark

How To Identify Them:
She's the type of girl who likes to tell people she hasn't been single since 10th grade. He's the guy who has perpetually "just started seeing someone."

Level Of Danger:
These sharks are harmless when they're in a relationship, but become dangerous and predatory when they're single, unable to rest until they've caught their next "mate."

Prey:

Anyone with a pulse and half an interest is fair prey to these sharks: they don't discriminate, they just need someone to fill the void left by the last person.

What To Watch For:

These sharks are known to knock out their prey with speed: extravagantly long first dates, weekends away within the first month of dating, "I love you's" within the first two. It all happens so fast that the poor minnow in question believes the situation and the circumstance to be extraordinary; it isn't until later that they realize the shark has done this with every previous relationship, and that the minnow is endlessly replaceable.

see, my friends always give me shit about having trust issues. i think its easier to understand why if youve ever dated someone like the person listed above.

the thing about serial monagamists is that youre supposed to be able to spot them easily because everything feels right off the bat. they want to spend as much time with you as possible, you share hour long conversations, and you go on awesome dates.

the thing is, thats how youre supposed to know that shes the one too. youre instantly attracted to her. shes interesting so you want to talk to her all the time. and you enjoying spending time with her, so you think of random things to do just so shell want to hang out with you.

YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS?!

thats like saying hey, i know youre looking for that one good girl. this is how shes gonna look, and this is how shes gonna make you feel. but be warned. theres a bunch of other girls that look just like her and will make you feel the exact same way... but those other girls are just bullshitting you. theyre just looking for someone to play the role and that role can be filled by anyone who gives them even the slightest amount of attention. the fucked up part is you wont really know which is which until its too late and you actually like her. good luck. (sucker.)

im really not even mad because, even in high school, i knew thats how it was. i was never really able to articulate it as well as that post, but i was always skeptical of girls like that. that was just my attitude for a long time. im sure i lost my chances with some great girls by pushing them away, but i like to think that i saved myself a lot of headaches more often than not.

note that that mentality doesnt necessarily mean i had trust issues. that didnt come till i actually took a chance. i met this girl, and everything was just like it was listed above. we'd fall asleep on the phone (even after spending the whole day together). we even went on a random weekend road trip for our 2nd date. and the craziest thing was that i genuinely liked talking to her.

in hindsight, i cant say that all the warning signs werent there. but i didnt care. i thought she was the one and i was happy.

needless to say, things didnt end well and it left me even more skeptical and cynical. not in the bitter way, and its hard to fully describe, but i was really just more disappointed in myself. i put a lot of the blame on me because i felt like should have known better. ever since then ive had trouble trusting my own judgment.

and thats the root of the problem for people with trust issues; it isnt with trusting other people, its with trusting yourself.

im probably the last person that should be giving advice on how to get rid of those issues, but im pretty sure the first step is realizing that its ok to make mistakes. like i said, its fucked up cause all these girls look alike and make you feel the same way. so no one can really blame you for taking a chance. in fact, i give you props for taking a chance to begin with.

now, you just gotta do it again. (and possibly a couple more times after that.) but hey, you survived the first time didnt you?

“when you see an opportunity at being great and being happy, you don’t pass it up. you take the risk to stick around ‘til you see the end of it; whether the end is a good thing or a bad thing. at least you will know you didn’t let it pass you by.”

sophomore slump

2011-07-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD

1. up up and away
2. fallin
3. low shoulder
4. i get lonely too
5. break (AOTL)
6. pyrite
7. under the brooklyn bridge
8. breakdown
9. walking on a dream
10. strawberry swing
11. a star is born (live)
12. see me now
13. too young
14. good things
15. lovely day

my brother just wrapped up his 2nd year, so heres the follow up to freshman 15.

angels on my shoulder, heads in the clouds/ no im not rapping, im just thinkin out loud

2011-07-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

ladies, lets get this clear, there is no such thing as a good guy. and for those of you that think you found one, i hate to break it to you but what you think is gold.. is only gold-plated.

i lightweight feel bad for girls. i know you think youre smart and funny, but truth is, guys are just laughing at your jokes and pretending to listen because theyre trying to fuck you. im not trying to offend you or say that you arent smart and funny (im sure you are). what im saying is that we dont care. you could say whatever and we'd pretend it was hilarious/witty.

see, everything we do is in the hopes that youll see what a good guy we are (read: get drunk and sleep with us). i mean, you gotta know it too right? theres no possible way were actually interested in what you have to say. theres no possible way that we actually would try to get to know you before trying to hook up with you. and theres definitely no possible way that we actually enjoy your company. thatd just be fuckin ridiculous!

/end sarcasm.

i know what i wrote was stupid, but its not too far from the type of stuff i hear. and im getting tired of hearing that theres no such thing as a good guy.

especially, when its only half true.

please understand, were not always trying to fuck you. dont get me wrong, if my homegirl came up to me and said i wanna do you.. id be stupid to say no. but i dont have to see her naked to think shes beautiful either. i already think shes beautiful because shes puts everyone else before her self. shes beautiful because shes got her shit together. shes beautiful because shes always honest with me. and shes beautiful for a whole bunch of other reasons that dont have anything to do with whether or not id hit.

i understand that some girls have had bad experiences. that their guards up because all theyve met is assholes. and yeah.. i agree.. theres a lot of assholes out there. but just because you knew a man well, doesnt mean you know them all.

i think youre selling yourself short if you think that a guy cant possibly be nice to you because he genuinely likes you. or think that all hes trying to do is sleep with you. maybe you are as smart, funny and pretty as you think you are and maybe, just maybe, he thinks so too.

in a recent post, i said that theres no shortage of good women out there. to be real, theres no shortage of hoes out there either. and im not saying its always the case, but you have to entertain the possibility that if he wanted, hed just go fuck those other girls (im sure itd take the half the effort too). but he doesnt. because once youve found a good girl, those other girls just become reminders of how special that girl is, and those other girls become just that... other girls.

"there is no such thing as a good guy."

its only half true.

but just because there isnt a guy thats good to every girl he meets, it doesnt mean you wont meet a guy thatll be good to you.

unplugged

2011-07-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

"the most precious and underrated sound in our lives is silence. "

its probably no surprise to anyone when i say that i tend to get lost in my own thoughts easily. i think anyone who writes will probably tell you the same thing. i know its also what inspires and motivates me to get those thoughts out.

but sometimes it can be overwhelming.

ive been finding myself less focused lately because ive got 10 things going on in my head. and it hit a peak last thursday morning. thursdays are my monday, so that morning i was going through my outlook, participating in the most hilarious/insightful email thread with some friends, catching up with folks on gchat, and (trying to) write 3 posts simultaneously.

i got snapped out of my conversations when my phone rang. it was my manager and he had a quick question about some reports. i talked to him for a few mintutes and hung up.

i looked back up at my computer screen, saw all the tabs that were open.. and just stared.

after a minute, i x'd out all the windows and just laid back in my chair. at that moment it all hit me. i had been on auto-pilot for so long, i didnt even realize how burnt out i was mentally.

when youre as connected as we are, its hard to sit still. theres always someone to call/text, a funny tweet to read, an article that just got posted, or some new song that got released. i realized how dependent i was on my phone when i noticed that when i wait in line for anything, i immediately pull it out like some weird reflex. (god forbid i just stand there and wait.) any time i get a moment to myself, it needs to be occupied by texting someone how slow the lines going, checking if anyones made a move on words with friends (sidenote: to all those people that play the word qi.. fuck you.), or seeing what everyones doing at this moment (facebook).

as a consequence of always having some sort of information to sort through, my heads been filled with a bunch of random shit. with the amount of information out there, theres no way that all of it is worth reading. do i really need to know funny, alternate names for #carmageddon? (my favorite was pearl carbor) or what album @KDtrey5's listening to right now? or whatever crazy shit kanyes tweeting about?

probably not. so when i got home that night, i put my phone on silent, turned my laptop off, and just laid in bed. i threw on jay-z unplugged and zoned out for an hour. when the cd (yes people still have those) stopped, i just chilled in bed some more. in silence. and it was the greatest shit ever. it was refreshing in the same way that cold bottled water is sunday morning after a crazy night out.

or like a long, deep breath.

it reminded me to slow down. it reminded me to relax. and most importantly, it reminded me to quit worrying about whats next and just enjoy the moment.

(thanks hov.)

p.s. cant knock the hustle.

... and i still wont grow up/ i'm a grown ass kid

2011-07-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

i thought i saw all my baby pictures but my aunt recently found a box of some stuff i hadnt seen before. i dont usually like posting pics of myself (word to audrey) but had to post a few.

striped le tigre polo, white shorts, striped socks. #swagu

me and moms.
i always wondered why i make that stupid face in pictures. now i know its been since way back.

bitch, what you talking bout?

big old dumbo ears

p.s. just kidding auds! youre so sensitive now that youre old. happy birthday!

ascension (dont ever wonder)

2011-07-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

manswers pt. 1

2011-07-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

recently had a great dinner with some folks. there was almost an equal number of guys and girls.. so the homegirl rach started my new favorite game.. manswers (basically asking the opposite sex things you always wanted to know). a couple questions that she asked stood out and it wasnt until right now that i got a chance to really think about my answers.

what is considered an appropriate time to have sex with someone youre dating?

the general consensus was that its situational. could be the first date or it could be a month. for me, its when i know where you stand with me. if i know its just an one night thing and theres no mutual long term interest, then yeah, im gonna try to hook up with you. if i really do like you and see myself with you, then yeah, im gonna try to hook up with you. if we're in that grey area where im not sure and im still getting to know you, then i wont make a move. as casual as i wish it was, truth is, sex complicates things. so until i know what i want, and i think that you want the same thing, i have no problem waiting.

tits or ass?

tits.. no. ass. wait. tits. fuck. this is too hard. next question.

what will make a man want to be committed?

short answer:

a lot.

long answer:

the biggest thing that separates that one girl from everyone else is the girl i can trust. my boys are my boys, but they only see a certain side. its not like we go play ball and talk about our feelings or anything like that. most of the time, we just keep it to ourselves. and theres nothing really wrong with that.. thats just how guys are. still everyone needs an outlet, and if i feel comfortable enough with a girl to share that side, that shows me a lot.

mostly everyone else agreed that it was timing more than anything. the more i thought about it, when it comes down it.. it is about timing. i said trust was the biggest factor, and trust is a two-way thing. you can have the most faithful, honest girl in the world, but unless youre ready to trust her, theres nothing she can do to convince you that you can. i think it was abi that said it best.. when its the right time, itll be the right girl.. and when its the right girl, itll be the right time.

how clear does a girl have to be for you to know that she likes you?

to quote my boy graham.. transparent. having a bunch of hot homegirls has turned me cynical, so youll pretty much have to come up to me and say "hey stupid, i like you." at which point, ill probably call my boys to say, "yo, im not sure, but i think she likes me."

ok face, banging body or pretty face, no body?

pretty face. always. a nice body wont last as you get older, but a nice smile will.

there was a lot of other great questions, but despite sleeping all day, i dont think ive recovered from 4th of july weekend yet so ill save them for another post.

2011-07-05T23:56:00.001-07:00

"Romance is about the possibility of things. You see it's about the time between when you first meet some fine ass woman and when you first make love to her. And when you first ask a woman to marry you and when she says I do. When people that have been together for a long time say the romance is gone, what they're really saying is that they've exhausted the possibility."

what good is being the one if youre the only one that knows it?

2011-07-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

dont ever let someone make you feel like youre being too needy or youre asking too much. what you want is what you want. sure, youre kinda crazy sometimes, but at your core, youre a good person. you deserve to be happy. and only you know what makes you happy, so dont settle for anything less.

i cant teach much when it comes to women/ i drive safe & slow but dont know nothing bout the engine

2011-06-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

my boy graham had this book, everything men know about women in his living room. i picked it up and flipped the pages, and they were all blank. i remember thinking yeah. thats about right. now, ill never claim to know much about the inner workings of the fairer sex, but i have learned a few things over the years.

first, chances are that girl youre dating or will date next wont be your first. and theres an even slimmer chance that shes gonna be the last. one thing ive learned is that while your friends might be there forever, the girls you date.. they only pass thru your life for a brief amount of time. sounds weird, but thats something i wish i realized a lot sooner.

theres this drizzy line "never love the girl, only love the moments," thats always stuck with me. see as guys, we're always so goal-oriented. even when it comes to relationships. we see a girl we like? the goal becomes making her our girlfriend. with that mindset, dating isnt about getting to know her as much as its about getting her to like us. shake that mentality and just enjoy the moments you have together. make a connection. learn something. about her and yourself.

chris rock famously said, women only need 3 things in life: food, water, & compliments. and yeah its funny but its only funny because its true. my thought process was always, why do i need to tell my girl i love her? im with her right? that means i love her. but thats really a cop out. you'd be stupid to not know that women need reassurance, and even though you might not be the type to express your emotions, you have to understand that women are. that doesnt mean you have to write her the greatest poem ever or even a poem at all.. just at least try to let her know you appreciate her. a little goes a long way when it comes to those things. remember: good women are rare, so if you find one, act accordingly.

i know good women are rare, but that doesnt mean that theres a shortage. like 'ye said, i guess theres more good women than men percentage wise. so dont waste your time with a woman thats not interested in you. i know its easy to say that women are complex and hard to read, but when it comes to knowing whether or not they like you, theyre very simple. trust me, youll know when a woman likes you. shell call just to say hi, write you a handwritten love note, and hold your hand. and if she doesnt respond to your 120321 texts/calls, talks about her ex/other guys, or flakes on you? shes not playing games. shes just too nice to hurt your feelings directly. it really is that simple; women dont become complicated until they become your girl (#shotsfired).

and thats pretty much it. every womans different and trying to figure her out is just going to drive you crazy. and thats the thing. as guys, we always want to take charge and assume what our girl wants. but if you just pay attention and listen, youll save yourself a lot of trouble.

so stop staring at your girl like shes a hard math problem. the answers already there.

trust issues (remix)

2011-06-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

drake x the weeknd. this versions a lot better.

this is the number one rule for your set...

2011-06-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

still got writers block so just trying to answer random 30 day challenge questions.

what is your biggest regret?

im not really a person that believes in having a lot of regrets. we all make decisions based on what we think is the right thing to do at the time, even if in hindsight it isnt. im the type that learns better through first hand experience.. so the things that didnt work out - theyve always taught me something important.

that being said, when i do think of the few regrets i have, one stands out.

it was relatively recent.. but let me give you some background. i just broke up with my girl and hadnt been single for a couple of years. you know how guys are in the first few months after a breakup.. they try to block out dealing with all the emotions by going out with the boys, meeting/dating new girls, and just getting fucked up overall.

in those first few months, i found myself really attracted to this girl i met through a mutual friend. thing was, she had a boyfriend. now, being in a relationship since high school, i still held on to all these naive ideals about relationships. the old me would have never tried to get at a girl with a boyfriend.

but i had a whole different mentality after my breakup. i started rationalizing trying to hook up with this girl.. telling myself shit like fuck it - i dont know him. or if it wasnt me, itd be some other guy.. so why not? now keep in mind.. i wasnt trying to date this girl. in all honesty.. it was mostly physical.

long story short.. we did end up hooking up a few times. we never went out though. it was more or less a booty call type thing. she would just come over on random nights. (i always just assumed it was whenever her and her boyfriend were fighting.)

the last night we spent together i remember just laying in bed with her. i had work the next day so i was trying to fall asleep. usually we'd just cuddle, but she turned around and faced me this time. she asked if we could talk and i said of course. she opened up with, " i think my boyfriends cheating on me."

confused, i asked her why. she replied, "i dont know. i just have this feeling."

now a bunch of thoughts came flooding in to my head. i wanted to say.. " WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU HAVE A FEELING? A FEELING? YOURE NOT EVEN SURE?! BUT YOU. YOURE DEFINITELY FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE. YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY YOU SOUND RIGHT NOW?! "

i didnt though. defending some guy to his girlfriend who i just had sex with was way too much for my mind to process. i mumbled something like "im not sure," turned around and went to sleep.

at least pretended to sleep. i was actually just laying there thinking and questioning what the fuck i was doing. i didnt know how i got mixed up in all of this. i know i didnt know the guy, but ive gotten cheated on before and i remembered how much it fucked with me mentally. and here i was doing it to someone else. needless to say, i stopped seeing her after that.

i told myself in the beginning that there were no emotions involved so i couldnt get hurt.. but it really ended up messing with my head just as much as it did when i was the one getting cheated on. i knew i fucked up and i started thinking about how disappointed i was with with myself. even more, i started thinking about how, if i couldnt trust myself, how could i trust someone else?

i count that whole experience as a regret because it didnt really teach me anything that i already didnt know. i just acted selfishly and ignored what i already knew was the right thing to do. if anything, it showed me that that wasnt the person i wanted to be. still, i wish i didnt have to do all of that to figure it out.

you make me smile

2011-06-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

dedicated to.. you.

2011-06-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

" My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."

writing a post on this for later.. but just wanted to post the quote by itself for now.

.. so maybe/ its good to be crazy / isnt it baby?

2011-06-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

this post is just for the guys.

im gonna let you in on a little secret. i know we're all looking for that good girl, but the crazy girls are where its at. and heres why:

1. they keep you on your toes

who wants a girl thats open and honest with you? thats just gonna lead to complacency. you need a girl thats constantly lying to you and trying to get at your friends behind your back. you need someone thats gonna push you to be a better person (read: the person she wants you to be). and you wont have to worry about being complacent because nothing you do will ever be good enough anyways.

2. you wont have to talk to her to gauge how shes feeling

talking and actual communication with your girl is overrated. why have a conversation when you can easily just check her facebook and twitter? you wondering if shes mad at you? check if shes retweeting nonsensical quotes like " im not heartless.. ive just learned to use my heart less."

3. youll hang out with a bunch of different people all of the time

crazy girls tend to have a lot of different groups of friends. who wants to hang out with the same people over and over again? its a lot more interesting to hear your girl talk shit about a different person every week too.

4. the sex is amazing

yeah making love is great and all.. but have you had make up sex after your girls gone thru all your stuff, burned down half your apartment, and keyed your car? three words: A.MA.ZING.

5. they'll teach you how to be self-reliant

crazy girls are selfish. sure they depend on you for everything from walking their dog to washing their car, but when you need them.. they wont be there, forcing you to be your own man. you should be so lucky to have a girl like that in your life.

and most of all, dating a crazy girl will just make you appreciate finding a great one that much more. it dont take a whole day to recognize sunshine, but sometimes, it takes a few wrong girls to know when youve found the right one.

eventually, if it was meant to be, then it would be

2011-06-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

its been awhile since an album spoke to me. i cant even remember the last album that i couldnt stop playing. and maybe it is or isnt a coincidence that it was around the time i stopped burning, but lately new music doesnt hit the way it used to. and ive played out all the classics.

i miss that feeling of getting excited to hear a new album. how youd hear the first line in the intro and you just knew you were gonna get lost for the next hour. no skipped tracks, no filler, just raw beats that got stuck in your head and lyrics that made you feel like someone found the words that were on the tip of your tongue.

theres been songs here and there that caught my ear. or old songs that i had forgotten about. but its different when you have a complete album. 'ye just dropped a classic last year, but something about it hasnt resonated with me the way i thought it would. childish gambino's album is dope, but you could tell its just not there yet. nostalgia ultras been on repeat.. but cant lie.. theres a few tracks i skip.

i know the illmatics & miseducations are rare and come along once in a generation.. but it just feels like with access to all this music, that id find that one album. that stay in just to listen to this album album. that i quit blazin but i gotta do it just this once before i put on this album album. that cant wait to tell all my friends about this album album. then get mad when they dont like it as much as i do album.

i do see some potential coming up. drakes been dropped 2 great songs so far, & j. cole will have to eventually drop his debut. and even though i dont believe that the collab album can work, if anyone can pull it off its 'ye & hov. i know that that great albums out there, i guess i just gotta keep searching.

theres nothing like knowing yourself

2011-06-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

those 30 day challenges on tumblr look interesting.. and even though i dont think i can do it.. i think im gonna steal some of the better questions. heres one that stood out:

explain your current situation to your last year self

dear me last year,

i dont want to give away too much but youre definitely headed for a big transition. youve been out in the socal suburbs for 4 years now, and as much as you didnt like it at first, theres something about the slow pace and comfort that youre finding hard to let go. but still.. theres your girl in sf and the promise you made her to come back home.

speaking of that, i know youre trying your best, but trust me, itll all fall in to place. youll know what decision to make because itll be the only one that makes sense. i know when choosing between the familiar path and an unknown one, its always easy to take the familiar one. but sometimes you just gotta go the other way; you can always turn back if it doesnt work out. trust yourself ( which in this case, also means me).

as far as your girl, i know you think youre happy (sidenote: youre not. theres a difference between being happy and that sense of peace you get when youre simply not arguing.) im not really spoiling anything cause i know deep down that you know its time to let go. dont worry about her though.. shell be just fine. and you will be too.

like i said, i dont want to give too much away, but i will say a few things:

1. GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN CAR CHECKED IN JANUARY.
2. that one girl you thinks the one? shes not. but go for it anyways.
3. its never too late.. for anything.

- future you.

p.s. not that youre gonna listen, but save up some money while you can. and spend as much time as you can with folks. youll definitely miss them.

yesterday and today

2011-06-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

marvins room

2011-06-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

damn. drake comin with heat.

cause the hardest thing to say is usually worth saying

2011-06-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

ive always prided myself on being someone thats good with words. but lately ive been finding myself stumbling on them. somewhere in between my heart and my tongue, the words somehow get lost. and its not just the usual stupid things like not being able to introduce myself to that cute bartender (sidenote: if for some awesome reason youre reading this.. i know you think i said "thank you" when you handed me my drink but i really said "i love you").

its been the simplest things that i cant seem to say.

like that i didnt think i could be this close to someone and still miss them. or that im not really sure how we became friends, but its hard picturing what life would be like if we werent. or i dont think i can ever thank you enough for everything youve done for me. or im proud of you. i know youre younger, but you have no idea how much you inspire me. or even just that im sorry.

the other day i realized why ive been having a hard time saying these things. its not that the words escape me.. its just that i used to recklessly say things like i love you way before i was mature enough to understand what that even really meant. when you start to grow up a little, you start to realize that words arent just words and that they do carry weight. and while its easy to come up with the right thing to say, processing the feelings and emotions behind them is a whole different story.

i feel like ive grown a lot in the past year, but thats still a part that im struggling with. in the meantime, since i cant seem to say the things i want to, my plan is to show it instead.

bay2la .. hosted by rum

2011-06-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD DISC 1
CLICK TO DOWNLOAD DISC 2

just when i was thinkin i needed some new music, rum hit me with a double disc mix of new shit. imma let him explain the tracks:

The general theme I was going for on this mix was bringing it back to my roots to the good ol' "Junction" days as well as the Allegre days and all the parties we used to throw. Back then, I would create mixes based off of upbeat, dance rhythm, "poppish" style as well as chill & relaxing beats. Basically, anything that could be or sounds radio worthy, but would typically never ever make it the radio.

The tunes & sounds on "Bay 2 LA" definitely fits the "upbeat" category that I am usually used to when creating a mix. More importantly this mix displays the growth, maturity and creativity that everyone eventually goes through to appreciate other sounds and genres, but for me personally, this mix brings it back to my initial love and interest in music to dance. I have been in LA for almost two and half years now, so I wanted to create a mix that reflects my exposure and time out here with music as well as show what I grew up listening to back in The Bay. I also, paid real close attention to the song flow and arrangement of this playlist because like most mix-tapes that I have made in the past, are meant to keep the party/ crowd going. In a sense its like having a DJ without the DJ.

Since a majority of the mixes I create are hip-hop based, this one is no exception. Slap it in the car or during your commute. Its perfect for those "time to get ready" weekend nights. Before the club or the after party. Its purpose is to get your head bumpin and/or feet moving.

like "dog you ready to give all this shit up?" // summer's on its way and these hoes is doin sit-ups

2011-06-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

" i thought i wanted to be in a relationship.. but then the weather got nice."

i remember saying that to homegirl last week. and as much as i meant that the sunny weather reminded me of how SF has the most beautiful women.. it was more than that.

being in a relationship for so long, ive enjoyed being single for the past year. after dating around, i will say, that while i wouldnt want to have a girlfriend just for the sake of having a girlfriend, i am more the relationship type.

and i know that im pretty fortunate and that my life is great. still, (and for the sake of simplifying) i would say i pretty much feel 90% content with everything. the last 10% thats missing is more for those times that i miss being in a relationship. (not that im saying that you need to be in a relationship to feel whole, but its just something i definitely missed)

now, i know if not having a girl is the worst of my troubles, i shouldnt complain. and im not. that last 10% that was missing didnt seem that big of a deal at all, especially because things had been so great this past year.

but last month, things started to fall apart a little. these past few weeks, ive even been going out and getting wasted as a distraction. and as things got worse, that 10% that was missing became magnified.

because as much as i know my family and my friends got my back, i missed having my girl there when things get rough. its just different for some reason. but i think i confused that with thinking that i was ready for a relationship.

because like most things, all the bad stuff passed. and while everythings not entirely back to normal, theyre definitely getting better. and that 10%... feels like 10% again.

when i was talking to my homegirl about all of this, she said, "thats funny. nice weather makes me want to be in a relationship."

and i didnt get what she was saying at first, but now, i think im definitely starting to understand.

p.s. the title is from one of my favorite kanye tracks

when im done

2011-06-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

12 laws of karma

2011-05-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

THE GREAT LAW -
"As you sow, so shall you reap". This is also known as the "Law of Cause and Effect".
Whatever we put out in the Universe is what comes back to us.
If what we want is Happiness, Peace, Love, Friendship...Then we should BE Happy, Peaceful, Loving and a True Friend.
THE LAW OF CREATION -
Life doesn't just HAPPEN, it requires our participation.
We are one with the Universe, both inside and out.
Whatever surrounds us gives us clues to our inner state.
BE yourself, and surround yourself with what you want to have present in your Life.
THE LAW OF HUMILITY -
What you refuse to accept, will continue for you.
If what we see is an enemy, or someone with a character trait that we find to be negative,
then we ourselves are not focused on a higher level of existence.
THE LAW OF GROWTH -
"Wherever you go, there you are".
For us to GROW in Spirit, it is we who must change - and not the people, places or things around us.
The only given we have in our lives is OURSELVES
and that is the only factor we have control over.
When we change who and what we are within our heart
our life follows suit and changes too.
THE LAW OF RESPONSIBILITY -
Whenever there is something wrong in my life,
there is something wrong in me.
We mirror what surrounds us - and what surrounds us mirrors us; this is a Universal Truth.
We must take responsibility what is in our life.
THE LAW OF CONNECTION -
Even if something we do seems inconsequential,
it is very important that it gets done as everything in the Universe is connected.
Each step leads to the next step, and so forth and so on.
Someone must do the initial work to get a job done.
Neither the first step nor the last are of greater significance,
As they were both needed to accomplish the task.
Past - Present - Future
They are all connected...
THE LAW OF FOCUS - You can not think of two things at the same time.
When our focus is on Spiritual Values, it is impossible for us to have lower thoughts such as greed or anger.
THE LAW OF GIVING AND HOSPITALITY -
If you believe something to be true,
then sometime in your life
you will be called upon to demonstrate that particular truth.
Here is where we put what we CLAIM that we have learned,
into actual PRACTICE.
THE LAW OF HERE AND NOW -
Looking backward to examine what was,
prevents us from being totally in the HERE AND NOW.
Old thoughts, old patterns of behavior, old dreams...
Prevent us from having new ones.
THE LAW OF CHANGE -
History repeats itself until we learn the lessons that we need to change our path.
THE LAW OF PATIENCE AND REWARD - All Rewards require initial toil.
Rewards of lasting value require patient and persistent toil.
True joy follows doing what we're suppose to be doing, and waiting for the reward to come in on it's own time.
THE LAW OF SIGNIFICANCE AND INSPIRATION -
You get back from something whatever YOU have put into it.
The true value of something is a direct result of
the energy and intent that is put into it.
Every personal contribution is also a contribution to the Whole.
Lack luster contributions have no impact on the Whole, nor do they work to diminish it.
Loving contributions bring life to, and inspire, the Whole.

electric feel

2011-05-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

just cause im the one/ dont mean i never lost

2011-05-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

if you know me, you know im a big durant/okc fan. its been awhile since ive identified with an athlete/team that wasnt from the bay. but seeing durant his rookie season on the sonics.. i just knew he was gonna be one of the best in the league. i just didnt think he'd be this good this fast.

over the summer, him and westbrook led team usa to the fiba championships. and this season he grabbed the scoring title for the 2nd year in a row. they jumped from 8th seed to championship contenders in 1 year (thanks to a couple of key trades).

im a big fan of durant (and rose, allen too) cause of his talent and the way hes so humble. but even durant gets pissed and he had one of my favorite soundbites this season after getting in to it with chris bosh. "theres a lot of fake tough guys in this league. and by fake tough guys i mean chris bosh."

thats why i was all hyped up for a thunder/heat final. i knew mondays game was important and i even tweeted durant .. "yo, imma need you to win tonight." with 4 minutes left, my celebration was a little premature and i saw them fall apart. the series isnt over, but going down 3-1 in to dallas, pretty much says it all.

i watched the post game conference and i think this article pretty much summed it up best..

"Durant sat in his postgame conference, hand on his head, looking as down as he had in the final moments of overtime. ... Durant scored 14 points in the first quarter but then managed only 15 points the rest of the game. He had none in overtime. His mission now? 'Try to bring it back here to OKC,' he said flatly. Who knows whether that will happen? Dallas is surging. Oklahoma City is reeling. But know this -- this game wounded Durant. Cut him deep. Hurt him bad. There will come a day when that wound will become a scar. There will also come a day when that scar will be motivation to make amends for what happened in Game 4, to never feel again the disappointment that he felt at the end of Monday night."'

like i said, the series isnt over. but even if they lose tonight in dallas, im still riding out with my team.

p.s. fuck dirk. just kidding. dirk has been ridiculous and earned my respect in the playoffs. i really dont know who to root for if its heat/mavs.

p.p.s. just to make me feel better..

the art of the backhanded compliment

2011-05-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

im a fan of backhanded compliments. heres a few of my favorite..

"thats a dope fit. i wish i could not give a fuck like you."

" wow. your babys actually cute!"

" youre not the type of girl i'd date.. youre more the type id marry"

on a girl telling her friends about a guy that hit on her..

" it was so adorableeee!"

and my personal favorite..

on seeing an ex with her new boyfriend/girlfriend...

" i see you gained a little weight. its great though! it just means youre happy!"

drop your favorite in the comments..

the numbers game

2011-05-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

even though i never consciously avoided younger girls, i never really seemed to date them either. i guess i always assumed (unfairly) that it wouldnt work out because of the age difference.

i know that age shouldnt really matter so i decided to give it a try the other week. ill be 27 this year and the girl just turned 22 this past february (22 is still my minimum. dating a girl that just turned 21 was too much to handle when i was 21 so i could only imagine doing that now). she was really outgoing and nice when i met her so i remember thinking.. yeah maybe this could work. so i figured why not and asked her to dinner. but while we were eating, i found that the deeper our conversation got, the more the generation gap seem to widen.

like when i referenced the fresh prince episode where he gets stuck in the basement (stuck in a basement/sittin on a tricyle/girl getting on my nerves.. love that episode!) and she just smiled politely and nodded. smiled and nodded in the way like yeah. ive heard of fresh prince but i have no idea what the hell youre talking about. kind of like the look i give my older cousins when they reference good times and whatever that show gary coleman was on.

when i saw her face and realized she didnt get what i was talking about, i wanted to bury my face in to my plate of mac n' cheese.

still, i gave her the benefit of the doubt and figured that maybe she just didnt watch fresh prince (which is another issue altogether). but then the conversation kept going and i started to not get her references. no i dont watch 16 & pregnant. no i dont like justin bieber. not even in an ironic way. and no i dont have an opinion on whether blair should hook up with dan or get back with chuck. im really not sure who those people are.

all of that aside, what sealed the deal was when we got back in to my car and can i get a.. came on. she knew i was in to hip hop so the whole night she had been making an effort to show me that she was too. which was cool and definitely a plus. she turned it up and started rapping along and i was like ok maybe im overreacting. then after jiggas verse.. she was like this is my shit! i love old school hip hop!

what the fuck?! this isnt old school hip hop!(is it?) rakim is old school hip hop. big daddy kane is old school hip hop. grandmaster flash and the furious five. THATS old school hip hop. damn. we were only 5 years apart, but at that moment i felt older than the celtics did in round 2.

when we pulled up to her place, before i could even say " goodnight.. ill call you," she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said " goodnight! text me laterrrr!" and closed the door.

its not like i had a quarter life crisis on the way home, but i did start thinking about when things changed. living in an apartment in davis and studying for finals felt like it was just yesterday, but i realized that its been about 4 years since then. thats a pretty long time, but it doesnt feel like it at all.

well, at least, until that night.

i never did text her after our date. and it really wasnt anything she said or did. i know age is just a number, but something just didnt seem to add up.

finish line

2011-05-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

this girls just.. yeah.. umm.. words.. damn.

and i believe you when you say youve lost all faith/ but you must believe in something

2011-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

i think its evident by now that im close to my boys. being so close, id always be the one guy in the group that would hate on my friends when theyd have a girl. you know, the first to call em out when they start skippin out on boys night out or clown them when those lame couple pics start going up on fb. was it cause i didnt like their girl? sometimes. but mostly it was as simple as having a girl meant less time chillin with us.

recently, we were all texting back and forth about kickin it in the city. one of my boys just started dating someone and we all hadn't met her yet. later that day he texted im bringing my girl. =)

to which i replied yo. dont ever text me a smiley face ever again.

immediately i thought, shit. its already starting.

then, a funny thing happened, and i met her. and i saw how genuinely happy he was. how he was still the same way he was when she was around as when he was with just the homies. i already liked her just off the fact that he was the happiest id seen him in awhile, but i got to know her and liked her even more.

im not gonna lie, seeing them together somewhat restored my faith in relationships. before that, all i would see were couples yelling at each other and arguing about dumb shit like whether or not my boy was flirting with our waitress. it was good to see an actual and real healthy relationship.

i mentioned that to our other friend, and we both joked about how we were both amazed and how sad it is that that concept is so foreign to us.

i guess ever since i was a kid, my dad had instilled the bachelor mentality in to me. you know, that a womans life is love, a mans love is life. he'd lay down these rules like dont let a girl distract you from school. dont let a girl come between you and your friends. dont date just one girl. and i think thats where i got my indifferent attitude about relationships from.

im in la right now and so me and my dad were just out on our porch catching up. he asked me how single life was going and we got in to relationships in general. i reminded him about what he used to tell me as a kid and i asked him if he felt the same way growing up or if he wanted me to be like that because he had met my mom when he was still young.

he said, no. i believed in those rules then and still do now.

and i said, thats funny. cause you ended up getting married to mom.

to which he quickly replied, rules were made to have exceptions. and shes mine.

he won't go

2011-05-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

im out in la right now so wanted to do a quick post. im late on this but i dont care cause its dope!

unthinkable (remix)

2011-05-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

drake verse goes hard.

return of the mack (extended version)

2011-05-04T11:15:00.001-07:00

its a beautiful day today, but i had to post this before i head out to run some errands. the piano in the beginning is so dope!

losing my balance

2011-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

i hate summers

2011-05-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

words i never said

2011-05-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

at the risk of sounding slow, i gotta admit that i didnt know what lupe meant in his new single. theres this line in the hook that goes i cant take back the words i never said. a lot of posts are inspired by some lyric i heard or something i read, so i bookmarked that line in my head. but then i thought about it more and then i was like what the fuck is he talking about? that shit doesnt even makes sense.

later that week, my homegirl told me about this writing exercise and that the premise was 10 things you want to say to 10 people. i started writing it, not to post it or anything, but just to do it. (i definitely recommend trying it sometime - it made me realize how many great people i have in my life and how i dont tell them i appreciate them enough).

there is one in particular that i wanted to share though:

7. i miss you.

fuck. there i said it.

i guess its in my stars to love you from a distance but its hard when my view of you is blocked by all these other guys. i thought i outgrew my immaturity, but seeing all that makes we want to say fuck it. i can get mine too.

i stopped for a second, read what i wrote, scratched it out.. and like a little kid replaced it with,

i take it back. i dont miss you.

and thats when it hit me.

i never told you i missed you, so how can i blame you for moving on? i never returned your calls, so how could i be mad when you stopped calling? i was out hooking up with other girls, so why did i think i had the right to say anything when you did the same?

i cant expect you to know how i feel, especially when my actions say the opposite. i cant expect you to want to pull me closer, when all i do is push you away. and most of all, i realized that i cant expect to take back the words i never said.

fuckin lupe.

shut it down

2011-04-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

maestro knows - jonathan mannion

2011-04-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

this is old, but i just rewatched it last night. you know your favorite hip hop album cover? yeah.. jonathan mannion probably shot that. basically every iconic image of hip hop artists in the 90s was taken by him. had to post this up because hes the genius behind my favorite aaliyah picture of all time (and the poster ive had on my wall since i was in hs).

Maestro Knows - NYC Edition (Jonathan Mannion) from Maestro Knows on Vimeo.

static

2011-04-27T23:32:00.001-07:00

the theory of threes

2011-04-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

ive always subscribed to the theory that you get 3 great women in your life.

the first is always the most intense. its that relationship where you fall so fast and and so hard and its also the relationship that drives you the most crazy.. pushing you to do things that you never thought you would. like the other 2, the first is a great girl, its just that youre not ready. theyre called first loves, not the only love, for a reason.

the second girl is even better. but the issues arent with her.. its with you. the pain and heartache from the first love carries over and it causes problems with this girl. and it doesnt even have to be anything as obvious as cheating on her.. it could just be that youre not fully invested because you dont want to get hurt again. you want to make it work, but for some reason, you just cant give all of yourself to her.

the third great girl, is the balance between the two previous ones. shes just as perfect as the other 2, but this time it lasts. it lasts because by now youve learned everything about love & relationships that only experience can teach you.

im not saying that i believe that this theory plays out just exactly as i outlined it.. but this theory has always stuck with me because it reminds me about one important thing- that even though love is about physical attraction, chemistry & common interests.. above all, its about timing.

as for me, ive been lucky enough to have two great women in my life. and if the other two have taught me anything, theyve taught me to be patient.

ive gone through enough now to know that the 3rd great girl might not show up when i want, but she will definitely show up on time.

man on the moon

2011-04-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

top 3 underrated/overrated things about that one girl..

2011-04-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

UNDERRATED
1. my girl_friends like her

as much as girls have poor judgement when it comes to guys (#shotsfired), i do believe that they can spot a crazy girl within the first 5 minutes of meeting her. and i trust my boys, but most of the time we just accept our friends' girlfriends no matter how crazy/rude/ho-ish they are; as long as our boys happy, we dont really say shit. my girls on the other hand will be quick to give me a disapproving look once they meet someone im dating. and me, being stupid, always ignored it because i just thought they were just being haters. but now that i think back, their based-on-nothing-but-instinct-pre-judgements were amazingly accurate.

2. shes supportive

probably the most underrated thing on this list of underrated things. i dont want to be with someone that makes a bad situation worse. (disclaimer: this is going to sound really, really fucked up.) i remember watching i am legend with my girl at the time. and i was thinking damn. theres really no hope if something catastrophic happens cause everyones gonna go fuckin crazy. its everybody on their own. now, you have to understand that my girl was the type to get stressed out/break down/become irrational when something bad happened (even if it was something small). so those thoughts of if it was the end of the world, what would i do and how long would our family last? started turning in to thoughts of man how long would it be until i just decide to take our kid and ditch her?

wow that reads just as terrible as it sounded in my head.

apocalypse and alien invasions aside, having a supportive girl is still underrated. you know someone that knows when to make light of the situation and kick you when youre down and when to kiss you on the forehead and just be there.

3. i like her circle of friends

one of the things that has always stayed with me is something that will smith said in an interview. he said that he can tell a lot about a person by looking at the 5 people they spend the most time with. and that those people you surround yourself with, dictate where youre headed. im not sure if its true, but hey, when the fresh prince speaks, i listen.

(there is always that one crazy friend so dont count her. if you cant pick out which ones her crazy friend.. congrats! you got with the crazy one.)

OVERRATED

1. shes hot

drizzy eloquently said, once you slept with one dime, man, you slept with them all. and im not saying all i sleep with is 10s, but once you hook up with a girl thats your own personal ideal physical type, you quickly realize that looks alone arent enough to keep you interested. not to say that all hot girls have bad personalities, but there has to be some substance there too. id go on, but if you need me to explain this one more, youll probably learn the hard way anyways.

2. shes in to the same music

being in to hip hop used to be #1 on my list for any potential girlfriends. but i realized that while i still want my girl to love music, its way better when shes in to music that i dont listen to. what really matters is that you can trust that she has good taste so she can put you up on new stuff.

3. shes a nympho

just kidding. thats never overrated.

p.s. bonus! 5 warning signs you should look out for:

1. you go out to a bar and she says hi to more than 8 different dudes that night
2. she has more than 5 fb albums with the word "vegas" in them
3. she rotates best friends every week
4. she has the costco pack of condoms in her drawer (im all for being thrifty but..)
5. she still has a picture of her and her ex in her purse/dashboard/nightstand

the autograph

2011-04-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

alone

2011-04-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

things that i dont say enough (pt 1)

2011-04-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

“If every nigga in your clique is rich, your clique is rugged / no one will fall cause everyone will be each other’s crutches”

my ex once said to me .. i feel like you love your boys more than you love me. and i remember i gave her a look like im not really sure where youre going with this. because yeah i did and you can pause, no homo, and what ever else, but like 'ye said, these guys aint my guys they my family dog.

ill be honest and say this past week has been one of the toughest ive had since moving back up here. and i got way too many blessings in my life to ever complain, but lately, its been more than i can handle.

ive always been the type to deal with shit on my own, but it really hit home for me yesterday that my boys are always there to show love & support. whether it was calling to check in, picking my ass up in oakland in the pouring rain, or getting ridiculously wasted on a monday night with me.. i cant say enough about how much its appreciated.

i know i dont say it enough, but for reals, i love yall.

p.s. the last thing i remember from last night

never was much of a romantic/ i could never take the in-ti-ma-cy

2011-04-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

guys tend to let go too easily and girls tend to hold on too long.

yeah.. i wish i had something profound, funny or insightful to add to that, but i dont. if youve read my past posts, you know im always talking about how men and women have a lot more in common than they think. but i think in this case, its true. and it stems from commitment issues, which i feel like is solely a guy thing.

dont get me wrong, i know plenty of girls that say they dont want to be a relationship right now. the difference is, with all of them, if the right guy came along, i know they would at least give it a shot. guys, on the other hand.. even if they found the perfect girl, but felt like it was the wrong time, they would still walk away.

sounds stupid, i know, but its true (for me atleast). ive been asked why or whats the logic behind it.. but there really isnt any. i wish it was as simple as not wanting to miss out on a world of all day video games, hanging out with the boys, or even just holding on to the possibility of hooking up with different girls. it'd be a lot easier to admit that it was just because i was scared of the thought of having to be responsible for someone elses emotional well-being (especially when i can barely handle taking care of myself).

but like most things, its not that simple.

i really do wish i could explain to that perfect girl why it just wouldnt work out right now. but what type of consolation is telling this girl you care about that.. hey, right now isnt a good time, but youd be AWESOME for future me ?

ive recently given up on trying to figure it out, because i can give a million excuses, but when it comes down to it.. i realized that whatever it is that i need to be sure of, i just haven't been sure with her or anyone else. (well, except for this one girl, but it didnt work out, so i guess you can add that to the list of excuses haha)

still, i wish i had a better answer than that. the only other thing i can think of is that committed relationships are for adults, and some guys (myself included) just never grow up.

come over

2011-04-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

late night sunday jam.

almost there

2011-04-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

other blogs

2011-04-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

so yeah those are some of the blogs i read. theres a lot more, but theyre mostly friends of mine. theyre still dope, but i just thought id throw that out there because the following blogs are folks that i know personally.

heres a few of them:

elroo
the necessary auds
chronicles of renegade
love blend n beauty
amazing adventures of a crazy lady

im always looking for new stuff to read, so if theres any blogs you read, drop em in the comments section!

p.s. for no reason..

freak though

2011-04-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

do over

2011-04-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

a case for the pressed man

2011-04-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

i like to joke that im one of the top 5 male bloggers. but only because theres only 3 of us. untiligetmarried is one of them and it was also one of the very first blogs i came across. a case for the pressed man is one of my favorite posts from jozen.

A Case for the Pressed Man

A few years ago, there was this woman I was pursuing. When we first started hanging out, it was easy because she was on a mini-vacation from work, so she had a lot of time on her hands. But then when she went back to work, we hung out less and less because her job had her working crazy hours.

Being the man that I was (or am), I scaled back my efforts by at least 50 percent. I went from calling her twice a day, to only once a day. When she asked me why I was calling her less, I told her the first reason was because she was working more and the second reason was, I didn’t want to be that guy; the pressed man. She said she understood the first reason, but the second one was stupid. “Jozen, you call me once a day. That’s not pressed,” she said.

Who knew? All I knew was if there was one guy I didn’t want to be it was the guy who looked thirsty for the attention of another woman no matter how much I was feeling her. But looking back on episodes like that, I realize something: Men who play it cool may not look bad, but at some point, they never get looked for either.

The man who goes hard for the woman he wants gets a bad rap. I don’t know if a lot of women still dig the man who doesn’t look pressed, whose approach is less hot, more cool, but from an early age, some men pick up on subtlety. They see the guy who doesn’t do much, get the most attention from the woman he wants too, so he goes for the same effect by adopting the same method. To him, if he’s going to get the woman he wants it’s going to be not through a bunch of things he does, but rather, a bunch of things he doesn’t do.

He’s not going to call her the day after she gets her phone number, instead he’ll wait for four days. He’s not going to ask her how her day was after she asks him how his day was. He’s not going to respond to her emails right away. He’s not going to say she looks good knowing good and well she looks great and everyone else has told her so. He’s not going to go in for a kiss after the date is over or show her any type of PDA.

And by not doing any of these things, he’s hoping a woman gets lured into him, because a long time ago, he heard about women who complained about men who did the exact opposite.

These women said they were into the kind of guys who paid them no mind. He once heard a song by Beyonce and them called “Bug-A-Boo” and it was a huge diss record towards the type of guy who did call right after he got the phone number and asked to hang out way too soon. He remembers this song and thinking, “Someone slap me if I’m ever one of those guys.” He remembers the men who put in a little bit of effort to get the woman they wanted being called corny or soft, looking like a bunch of Steve Urkels while the girls looked like a bunch of Laura Winslows. “He’s not a challenge,” is what those women said.

Well here’s a challenge for you ladies?

How about you females learn to distinguish between a man who’s thirsty and a man who for once wants to put in a little bit of effort to get closer to you?

Now granted it’s a difficult task. A lot of men who go hard only do so because they know no other way. So I can understand if a woman doesn’t want to get sucked into all the attention a man is giving. She doesn’t want to get comfortable with it only to see it go by the wayside a couple months down the line.

But not all men operate like this. Some men always play it cool and then see a woman who makes them lose their cool. All of a sudden they’re doing the soft and corny things women can’t appreciate. They’re doing things like returning phone calls right away or sending text messages during work hours for no other reason but to see how she’s doing. She puts him in the friend box and sometimes he has a tendency to color outside of those lines with requests like a date. And women respond to such advances with a tinge of mockery.

Well when are women going to start paying attention and realize all those guys in her life who are not putting in the effort probably don’t like her that much and the only guy who really likes her is the guy who keeps on finding a reason to be around her. Now of course, she doesn’t have to go for this guy. She can go for the guy who’s too cool for school and not the guy who is a straight nerd around her, but did she ever think the guy who is going hard for her has other women too? And did she ever think he’s treating those other women the way those other men are treating her? In other words, this soft, corny guy who is pressed for her certainly knows how to be cool, it’s just he only shows that side towards the women for whom he doesn’t care much.

I know a guy who once wanted a woman so bad, the first night he met her, he went everywhere she went, with her permission of course. He met her at one spot, approached her as she was leaving, and was told by her if he’d like, he can follow her and her friends to another spot. He didn’t act like he had better things to do, instead, he did it. He followed her.

Eventually, the two of them exchanged phone numbers and for a good year, he pursued something more than friendship. But she didn’t want more than friendship. It wasn’t anything personal, she just wasn’t in the space for a relationship. He stuck around anyway, playing it cool, but not so cool there connection went cold.

About a year after they met, she wound up in the hospital. Something about her kidneys wasn’t right. And it was her friend, the guy who followed her around the first night she met, who stayed by her side in the hospital every night she was there. Not only did he stay by her side, he called into work everyday to tell them he couldn’t come in. He didn’t care that the woman was only a friend at the time, and she always rejected his advances to be something more than friends. He just cared about her so he showed it in ways that some would call doing the most or pressed.

Of course, the woman came around to recognize this was a guy worth keeping and it’s a beautiful thing, because ever since then, my mother and my step-dad have lived happily ever after.

lights please

2011-04-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

got the day off & bumpin this on repeat in the car.

used to be

2011-04-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

next up is another hellz blogger, who just so happen to have launched her new website (girls are the new boys). it was pretty hard to pick just one post ( i was this close to posting face time aka the greatest post ever), but this one is definitely up there.

Used to Be.

I used to be that girl.

That got daps from her girls when #1 and #2 would page me at the same time, just as #3 was picking me up from school. Back then? I was that girl who had boyfriends to match every outfit and honey, nothing ever went outta style in my closet. I broke up with dudes over voicemails and threw away love letters. Dodged guys in the hallway so I wouldn't have to have "that" talk 'cuz God forbid I went to boat dance with someone from my own school. "No, I don't like u. No, I won't give u a chance. And no, I won't think about it." That girl never played on anyone, but she played with minds ... and most likely hearts ... and definitely feelings.

Then, I became that girl.

That fell in love. And for the first time ever, I entertained the idea of marriage. I wrote my first name and his last, with a promise ring to match. I kept stuffed animals, and ticket stubs, and invitations, and Valentine's Day cards. "I" became "we" and "we"became "us" all without ever losing ME. That girl wrote songs to a melody only they could hear. So I learned to beathe deeper, hug tighter, kiss longer, and dream sweeter. That girl smiled with her eyes, shined on cloudy days, and floated with no wings.

And then, I became that girl.

That needed space. That needed to live. That needed to be free. That needed some time apart. That neeed reassurance. That just wanted to make sure. That needed an excuse. That needed to be "independent." That wanted to meet new faces and touch new bodies and give out her number when it was asked. That wanted to be selfish. That was selfish. That chose to replace love with the thrill of the chase. That took her relationship for granted and swore she meant it when she said, "It's ok. You can date other people too." Until he did.

So I thought I could be that girl.

That just didn't give a fuck. That could fuck the pain away. And have one night stands. And booty calls. And be a gold-digger. And play the role. And hustle MEN. And pretend she didn't care. And asked for favors with a lick of her lips and bat of her eyes. That thought she was a hard rock when she really was a gem. Bumpin Jay-Z all day everyday. "I parts with nothing, yall be front. Me give my heart to a nigga? Not for nothin. Never happen, I BE FOREVER MACKIN. Heart cold as assassins, I gots no passion, I gots no patience and I hate waiting so nigga get ur ass in here and let's ri-i-i-i-i-ide." That girl filled voids and threw away the big picture for momentary happiness and attention. I was the great pretender.

But then inevitably, that girl showed up.

And that girl knew that other girl didn't exist. Who thought she was nothing. Who didn't matter. Who wasn't loved nor felt she deserved to be. Who thought shit was so unfair and never caught a break. Who was worthless and stupid and ugly and every synonym of it. Who knew she would never find happiness again. She didn't want happiness ever again. I cried and cried and cried. In the shower until my fingers became pruny. And in bed, until I fell asleep - hoping and wishing God wouldn't let me wake up. That girl gave up on life, gave up on love, and gave up on herself.

Until, I became this girl.

Who is finally allowing herself to live, love, and be happy once again. Who although is bruised, will never be broken. Who is STILL learning, but learning from her mistakes and learning how to move on. Who is thankful and grateful and blessed. For everything. Who knows she is talented, and intelligent, and beautiful, and will never allow another person to make her forget. Who refuses to settle for anything less than she deserves. Who is humble and knows not to take anything for granted. Who is selfish. Fuck yah, I said it. 'Cuz ain't nothing wrong with wanting more for urself. Who loves life, those in her life, and most importantly loves herself.

And I never, ever, want to be that or that or that girl ever again.

breathe and stop

2011-04-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

whenever i need to chill/relax/fall asleep.. this is what i do:

1. put on some headphones

2. open this in a new tab (click me) & open this in another tab (click me)

pretty much works with any track. here's a few other ones i listen to:

human nature (acoustic)
summer madness
the tourist

what are you listening to?

stab me in the front

2011-04-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

so i texted my homegirl, that after writing the previous post about why i cant handle the whole friends w/ benefits thing, i felt like i should have my man card revoked or at the very least suspended. i seriously think i need to do some re-evaluating (half-joking).

that being said, i feel like its a good time to take a break from writing. on the upside, ive been meaning to do a series of posts on some of my favorite blogs so i figure this is a good opportunity. for the rest of the week, im gonna post some entries from other sites that i read (and that you should too).

first up is raaachem. i came across her blog after checking out the hellz website. her short stories (and posts in general) are dope, so i thought id post the first one i ever read.

STAB ME IN THE FRONT pt. 1

[The ex-boyfriend]
I sit in my car, not knowing wether to laugh or cry or scream or go punch something. I’m hurt, I’m mad. I can’t believe this is happening to me.

Usually I’d call Nick and ask him to drink. But I dont think I can look at him in the face right now. Actually, I can’t believe I ever called him my best friend. Shoulda known his shady ass would do something like this to me. I call up my friend Pat instead. ”Aye lets drink.”

We round up the boys and hit up a bar at this hotel that my homies are stayin at. My homegirl is outside smokin a cigarette and I decide I need to get some air. As I sit with her, I am silent.. I feel like a shitty friend cuz I’m usually the goofy, funny one but tonight I have no energy and no intent of being “normal”. And then I hear the question that I’ve been avoiding all night.

“G, you ok? Whats going on?”

I take a deep breath and say outloud what I’ve been denying to myself.

“Me and Marie broke up.”

“WHAAAAAT??? WHHHYYYYY?” she asks.

“Because she’s in love with Nick. And he’s in love with her.”

[the ex-girlfriend]
“Marie. Call me, I need to talk to you. Please, just pick up. I love you.”

I stare at my keypad and wonder if I should call him back. I listen to the voicemail again. My stomach flips. You would think after 9 years I would be used to a man telling me he loves me, right? But this time its different cuz its not the same man, I guess. and I love him too, but I just cannot bring myself to dial his number.

I am so confused right now. I just told my boyfriend I was in love with his best friend. I feel like such an asshole because I just broke G’s heart. And it breaks MY heart to see him like this. The last few months of trying to figure out what these feelings mean and here I stand. In love with Nick. And G. At the same time.

[The ex-best friend]
Fuck. Fuck. Ffffuuuuccckkkkk.

Marie’s not answering my call. Maybe she didn’t tell him. But maybe it’s a good thing cuz it might not be a great idea afterall. G is my best friend. and Marie is HIS GIRL. HIS girl. Not mine.

But all that changes tonight. Tonight, it all comes out. Tonight, she tells him what she’s been telling me… Tonight, she tells him that she loves me. Tonight, she’s no longer his girl. And if she would just pick up the damn phone, she could maybe be mine.

Just maybe.

p.s. pt. 2, 3, 4, & 5

last night

2011-04-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

“I really like synthy, heartfelt, pop love songs. There’s something kind of naive and earnest about them. I haven’t really let myself do that in this band much. I was like, What’s the worst that’s gonna happen? People will think I’m a simp, or an idiot? Fine.”

- james murphy

i dont have the heart - fuck it i dont have the head

2011-04-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

" i dont have the heart fuck it i dont have the head" aka " on knowing when to say when" aka " dont gotta tease me, id still want it if it was that easy (reprise)" aka " why booty calls never work (even if i really, really, really want them to)"

one of the most important things ive learned is that you dont necessarily have to walk the path to see where the road will lead. and experience has taught me that this road leads to us hating each other, so please excuse me if i choose to stop right here and step aside.

see, i know ive told you that i cant handle a relationship right now. and youve tried to reassure me by saying that you feel the same. and so, despite knowing better, i pretended to not be able to tell the difference between what you say and how you feel. deep down i know you feel otherwise, but you say youre not getting attached. so i used that as a license to tell myself that its ok to hurt the feelings you say you dont have.

i satisfied all your masochistic curiosities about who im dating/seeing and i tried to tell you in as much detail as i thought you could handle. i pretended to not see the disappointment in your eyes as you were smiling & half-heartedly teasing me about those other girls. i even played along when you said you met some cute guy at some bar the other night. and i know youre hoping that my nonchalant and indifferent reaction was just some sort of front i was putting up to hide my jealousy.. but it wasnt.

im not really sure what i want, but i do know what i dont. and i dont want to ever knowingly hurt you. i know im an asshole and i know im selfish but i never want to be that guy.

and yes, there is a difference.

dont get me wrong- the late night conversations/sex/hand holding/sex/drunken kisses/(did i mention sex?!) is all great but like i said.. i dont want to walk this path just to see where itll lead. i already know.

see, where im at now and where this road leads.. all end up with me being alone. so i hope youll understand if i just choose to stop right here and save myself a few steps.

a star is born

2011-04-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

i fuckin love this verse.

p.s. sophomore slump comin soon

i made a promise to myself/ i said id trust me

2011-04-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

after awhile, you learn to not give advice. theres a lot reasons to mind your own business; sometimes the person isnt looking for an opinion (theyre just looking to vent). sometimes the person is looking for someone else to make the decision for them (so if it goes wrong, they have someone else to blame). but most of all, you shouldnt give advice because no matter how much info a person tells you, they'll never be able to give you an accurate picture of all the factors that should go in to making that decision.

i try not to get too involved, but i still try to be there for my friends just to listen. if they do want some advice, ive learned to just stress some fundamental things. if its about relationships, always be honest. if its about deciding between two things, never risk what you cant afford to lose. if its about trying something new, if it doesnt hurt anyone else, sure why not? and for everything else, do it until its not fun anymore.

my cousin/big bro recently gave me back some good advice i had given him a few weeks ago. to which i replied, what the fuck? do you know who youre talking to? i dont take good advice! i just give it. i was just being stupid, but there was some underlying truth to it.

i think its funny how, often times, the last person we go to for advice is ourselves. its already april, but i wanted to add something to my new years resolution. i want to try to listen to myself more. because even if im wrong, at least i did what i felt was right at the time.

it might not taste good going down (thats what she said) but sometimes we all need a dose of our own medicine.

on faulty logic, tests & the simple things ..

2011-04-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

when i was a kid, id go to my backyard and play ball till it was dark. and when it got dark and all i could do was shoot around, id go to my imaginary 3 point line and think to myself alright. if i make this, then that means _____ likes me back. and if i missed, id just grab the rebound, go back and think alright. for real REAL this time. if i make this then ____ likes me. (and so on until i eventually made it.)

when i was in davis, i was dumb and always lagged on registering for classes. which meant i got stuck with 8am discussions all the time. so if a girl slept over, id use it as an opportunity to do one of my weird is this girl a keeper? tests. id wake her up in the morning, tell her that i was headed to discussion, but that she was more than welcome to sleep in.. she just needed to close the door behind her (we never locked our doors for some reason). when i came back, if the bed was made after she left, i would think nice shes a keeper. and if my bed was a mess still, then id stop dating her.

did that make any sense whatsoever? hellllllll nah. even i knew that it was crazy. but we all have our own little tests when we first start seeing someone. theres that door test, where you open the car door for the girl, and if she reaches over to open your side when she gets in, then shes a keeper. (what movie is that from?! i cant remember!) then theres that one test where if the guy gives you the last piece of food on his plate, then it means he really does care about you. (best man? the brothers? i get all those movies mixed up because its the same lead guy in all of them).

and i know it all seems crazy, but i guess the underlying message is that actions > words & that the little things do matter. little things like buying me travel sized contact solution before i fly back home because you know i always forget. or when i tuck the blanket in and kiss you on the forehead before i leave to go to work in the morning. even a simple text just to say hi is something that might seem small, but its something that means a lot ( at least to me).

i wish i could say i outgrew the irrational logic i have when it comes to relationships, but i still have my little tests here and there. i still even shoot to see if that one girl likes me (but now its gotta be nothing but net for yes, in for maybe, and if i miss.. then damn.) i can say that the major tests now are more about how the girl makes me feel instead of whether or not she makes the bed (messy girls need love too). like if something funny/exciting/stupid happens, and shes the first person i think about calling. stuff like that. id go in to more detail but what good is a test if you already know all the answers?

2011-04-04T19:54:00.001-07:00

last link hit the max downloads so heres a new link. thanks to everyone that downloaded/reblogged the tape!

DOWNLOAD

an open letter to the bandwagon giants fan

2011-04-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

hey guy,

hows it going? awesome giants hat/giants jersey/giants sweater/giants car flag by the way. and are those orange shoes?! niceeee. i know a lot of people are giving you crap for being a bandwagoner, but i say the more the merrier. theres nothing wrong with repping for your city.. even if you have no idea how the infield fly rule works (hey, i just learned about offsides in soccer, but did that stop me from rooting for the US in the world cup? nope. USA!USA!USA!)

but can you do me a favor? can you tone it down just a little bit? ease off the torture talk - the season just started. and quit regurgitating stuff you read on espn. (you dont have to prove anything to me.) we know we're overpaying zito. its still way to early to tell with brandon belt. and trust me, sandoval isnt that bad defensively.

most of all, i just wanted to ask you to stop hating on other bandwagon fans. when we won last year, i was downtown hi-fiving everyone i could. i didnt stop and check to see if they were a "true fan" or not. see, thats thats the great thing about sports. at its best, it can even bring a huge city like sf together. so quit killing my high arguing about what makes a fan a fan.

WE ARE ALL GIANT.

sincerely,

a fellow giants fan

p.s. fuck the dodgers.

jeyelpedia

a question of identity

"thats my mom in me / i love niggas i shouldnt"

s2ml v. 8

repost: me, i havent changed much/ you know how i play it

less than 3

top 10 hottest mcs

it just takes time

the album 10 dollars, u act like its 10 G's/ this food for thought cost the same as 2 number 3s

random conversation #19341

vices .. hosted by louvain

repost: no such thing

people you may know..

date a girl who doesnt read

go faster, go further, go harder/ is that not why we came? / if not then why bother?

today.

connected

REPOST: all i want for xmas is new years eve

junction jams.. hosted by rum

a letter from your girlfriend's best friend

.. just give me 6 months so you can say i told you so

new theory

soundtrack 2 my life v. 7

REPOST: well i know youre a lot of woman/ but not enough to divide the pie

good women are rare too/ none of them have came close

holla mears

im trying to be a better man, please believe me/ ready and God-willing if you ready to teach me

rendezvous

imaginary player

soundtrack 2 my life v. 6

REPOST: the right fit

difficult takes a day/impossible takes a week

on serial monogamists, trust issues & taking chances

The Serial Monogamist Shark

sophomore slump

angels on my shoulder, heads in the clouds/ no im not rapping, im just thinkin out loud

unplugged

... and i still wont grow up/ i'm a grown ass kid

ascension (dont ever wonder)

manswers pt. 1

what good is being the one if youre the only one that knows it?

i cant teach much when it comes to women/ i drive safe & slow but dont know nothing bout the engine

trust issues (remix)

this is the number one rule for your set...

you make me smile

.. so maybe/ its good to be crazy / isnt it baby?

eventually, if it was meant to be, then it would be

theres nothing like knowing yourself

yesterday and today

marvins room

cause the hardest thing to say is usually worth saying

bay2la .. hosted by rum

like "dog you ready to give all this shit up?" // summer's on its way and these hoes is doin sit-ups

when im done

12 laws of karma

THE GREAT LAW -

"As you sow, so shall you reap". This is also known as the "Law of Cause and Effect".

Whatever we put out in the Universe is what comes back to us.

If what we want is Happiness, Peace, Love, Friendship...Then we should BE Happy, Peaceful, Loving and a True Friend.

THE LAW OF CREATION -

Life doesn't just HAPPEN, it requires our participation.

We are one with the Universe, both inside and out.

Whatever surrounds us gives us clues to our inner state.

BE yourself, and surround yourself with what you want to have present in your Life.

THE LAW OF HUMILITY -

What you refuse to accept, will continue for you.

If what we see is an enemy, or someone with a character trait that we find to be negative,

then we ourselves are not focused on a higher level of existence.

THE LAW OF GROWTH -

"Wherever you go, there you are".

For us to GROW in Spirit, it is we who must change - and not the people, places or things around us.

The only given we have in our lives is OURSELVES

and that is the only factor we have control over.

When we change who and what we are within our heart

our life follows suit and changes too.

THE LAW OF RESPONSIBILITY -

Whenever there is something wrong in my life,

there is something wrong in me.

We mirror what surrounds us - and what surrounds us mirrors us; this is a Universal Truth.

We must take responsibility what is in our life.